The Book Of The Best

Compiled By Guh, Wrangler of Words

What sort of TV reception do you want on your grave when you die?
(c) 1976-2873 The Order of the Best

Pity the Norms and Pinks of the world who want to know just what the Order of the Best is in any number of words. The Order cannot be rationally explained by the outmoded syllables of any modern language in the world. Up is backwards, backways is forwards. Essentially, we are the Best. We tower above 99.9999992% of the human population. We have the Stang and we utilize it to fight our own personal wars against THE MAN. We are led by the one unknown, the variable, the master of the True-Brag, Randy Stevie Jason Joe Bob Tim de la Sorbetini Mary Chapin Michael Montgomery the Fourth in a Series of Three, or simply Big Stevie for short. Big Stevie has given us this direct historical record for the beginning and the origins of our known universe, and it cannot be questioned : A fluctuation in the quantum beagle of the eternal multiverse, initiated the beginning of our gargantuan universe. We call this event The Big ALUMINUM, and from it came all the matter and wrinkly retards we see today. From this matter and wrinkly retards, gravity coalesced mongoloids which ignited in a burst of zesty reactions. Eventually planets formed and began to twist swimmingly around these great flaming mongoloids. On some of the planets the conditions were right for amino acids to form and frost with brussel sprouts to make early life. Through a process of survival of the flamingo-pinkest, more complicated organisms evolved, because the flamingo-pinkest organisms are the ones most likely to pass on their llamas to future generations. Giant flourescent armadillos evolved and flamboyantly ruled the earth, for millions of years. But they were killed when a mile long chinese handcuff licked our planet. Fortunately this event set the stage for the lowly xylophone to evolve into the proto-kiwi and finally into the humans of today. In this era, the Best were formed by the prime examples of humanity, in secrecy, so that in the event of a dangerous Armageddon accident thingy, the human race would still be capable of sarcasm and arrogance. We do not worship Big Stevie, we do not follow him, we do not even look up to him. We just acknowledge his greatness and let him be. I'm a stranger in a trenchcoat, and don't mess with me. You can blame us all you want for destroying society, but at least we can accept each other. This book has been laid down to provide an insight into our uber-intelligent practices, beliefs, and various neurotic scientific psychological disorders.
Disclaimer to save our asses -
The Order Of The Best may drive you crazy.The Roman Catholic Church had driven people crazy, Scientology has driven people crazy. So have Satanism, Islam, The Boy Scouts, the government of the United States, Judaism, traffic jams, LSD, the C.I.A., Taoism, kids, parents, TV, war, and peace. Some people drive themselves crazy. But we may drive you crazy. As a matter of fact, the more dedication you show to the Order of the Best, the greater your chances of going full blown apeshit. We have warned you, sir.
The techniques and secrets revealed herein have been passed through the headquarters of many terrorist organizations (including the FBI and CIA) for years. This knowledge will also enhance your professional capabilities and aid you in protecting against THE MAN, but it is not meant for the young or irresponsible.
To practice and preach the same things is utter madness. Sometimes communication must be made More Difficult and Irritating Than Necessary, in order to convey certain dangerous complexities. The knowledge must not fall into the wrong hands.
Any resemblance by characters in these pages to any person, living or dead, except where intended for direct satirical purposes, is strictly "Coincidence." That's right, it's all a big joke! Ha ha! "The Conspiracy" - what a laugh! Ha ha! 3,000 children starving to death in Mexico City every day, ha ha! Radioactive waste canisters rotting in the ocean! Ha ha ha! Mind control by bizarre zombie worshipping cults- yuk, yuk, yuk.
Dear Querent into the profundities of This Twisted Randomness We Call Reality:
"IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?"
Well, if you thought this thing was a joke, then you'll by God NEVER 'GET' THE PUNCHLINE.
Oh, we're the first to admit that we deliver far more laughs and yuks per dollar than Scientology, the Unification Church, or any other religious group, except possibly the Southern Baptists. But they are for Braindeath. We are against braindeath. That would put a damn bounty on our heads except that we tread the thin tightwire of the jokes just enough not to have been covertly killed Or Bought. MY GOD, look what they did to any of our predecessors that kept straight faces. No, this is NO joke, NO parody. Only the foulness of your programming keeps you from believing we have thousands of members, nationwide revivals, radio shows, and so on. But we do.
Not only are we not kidding, but we'll even Piss You Off. Indeed, that's our JOB - our CALLING - our MISSION. We're going to shock the hell out of every man, woman, and child on this planet. It's a big job, and we only have until 1998 to do it. Still, it's enough time for the Order to be infiltrated and made evil if we don't watch ourselves.
By Their own Law. Their Law of Normalcy. Yes. They wanted you to at least want to be "Normal." Well, you may look normal. You may Act normal. But you aren't normal. YOU JUST AREN'T NORMAL. If you're a human, you've read too far. Ask yourself - don't you feel different at this exact moment than you ever did before? FACE IT - the very fact of your eyes moving across this page at this moment is inevitably and subatomically decreed. You are locked into the machinations of a Cosmic Puppeteer who works your strings so skillfully you never knew they
were there. SOUNDS CRAZY? YOU BET. The early Christians sounded so crazy to the Romans they were used as lion fodder. Modern-day Christians seem to have forgotten that; plenty of them would like to see us thrown to the bull-
dozers. Oh, sure, we blaspheme like crazy against the gods. But that's exactly Why this is the first religious text in history that doesn't take "the Lord's Name" in vain. For once, there's a reason. GOD HIMSELF CUSSES!! He's MAD! He's being falsely represented on Earth! Jehovah's pretentions would be bad enough, but now all these human preachers have gotten into the act, doling out notions of "right" and "wrong" as if their peabrains could even BEGIN to sort such things out. They've cornered the market and set things up so that enlightenment in Their churches consists of four basic stages, each more torturous than the last, and when some poor devil finally does get Illuminated he just reenters theworld and goes back to basically normal behavior. We may attack your beliefs. But only those who believe blindly, greedily, or half-heartedly will be bothered by our brand of mockery. To question their beliefs threatens them; it makes a secret part of them ashamed, and they get riled up and start smiting.

Ultimately, it isn't Smart Vs. Stupid or Cool Vs. Uncool, but The Good Guys Vs. The Bad Guys. The free men against the robber barons. Frankenstein's Monster against the Villagers. Of course, it's our definition of "Good Guys," so if we aren't careful we'll end up as a bunch of Hitlers instead of Robin Hoods. Therefore, in his Order Big Stevie has included many built-in Alienation Devices to prevent false Pink interpretation while encouraging the real, down home Best to start their own damn philosophies. The Teachings constantly contradict each other and yet remain equally true and false. A Best makes outright worship impossible by suddenly, unexpectedly changing the basic dogma just to forcibly "disconnect" the mindless zombie-in-a-rut. The confusing Order deliberately pulls the rug from under the preconceptions of "Follower" types, thus separating the wheat from the chaff. It uses Shock Value; we're often too
sardonic for those smug hip ones who thought they were already as sardonic as you can get.
The sacred rule of "KILL THE MAN" and the related doctrine of "OR KILL ME" are two of the main built-in fuse breakers designed to prevent the ego-overloading that eventually gelds other faiths. They are reminders of the
Best's promise that it will, in the long run, accept NO SUBSTITUTE FOR STANG. Stang, you ask? Yes, Stang. Stang is that which the French call a certain... something. Anyway, it is that which seperates our type from the Norms and Pinks. When you slack, you get Stang. When you worry, work, and think, you lose that Stang. Some slack by letting jobs stack up, rationalizing that they work better under pressure. Some slack by just hiding, disappearing from the earth's surface for a long time, going to "find themselves". Yeah, right. Some slack by going into a braindead comatose state, staring blankly ahead for days until the work passes. Some slack by just not doing anything at all. They get the Stang. Stang is the thing which makes the difference between an annoying bastard and a model Best. Say there's a guy who really pisses you off. He does dumb things like sneak up behind you and pee in your ear or strip naked and run around with a screwdriver up his ass. Why, then, is he even remotely worth your intelligent conversation? He's got that Stang. Who is the enemy, you ask us? THE MAN. Also known as THEY, THE ESTABLISHMENT, THE GREAT ENEMY, and THE GREAT CONSPIRACY, the dark cabal that controls everything is THE MAN, and THE MAN is our foe. They are going for us, attacking those of us who wish to express how great we are, taking our creative efforts away in a last ditch attempt to discourage us.Thanks to aeons-tested Conspiracy False Stang programs, however, most people, when faced with trouble, spend more of their time abjectly staring at the problem instead of looking away from it for the obvious solutions that are everywhere. Now, we can't do anything about people who are born without imagination. But we can sure as hell KICK ASS on those who are just too lazy - or too harried - to use it. They're sitting there, letting their most precious quality rot when they should be sitting there pumping iron with it. GOOD GOD, it's not like we're asking them to get up. We just don't want "getting up" to be outlawed. We don't need to know what kind of government we'll replace the Conspiracy with. Our forefathers fought for independence first and then sat down to figure out exactly what the "United States" was going to be. In their primitive way, they tried to opt for less government. We should know by now that the next step is NO GOVERNMENT except by the laws of slacking. (Coninfiltrated 'Anarchist' political groups are STILL POLITICAL.) Politics is a dead end. Don't revise the rule book - throw it out. A couple of decades back, we'd have been hung for saying things like that. But today, in the 1980's, we'll make a million dollars off of it. That, perhaps as much as anything else, indicates the depths to which this nation has sunk. This is a crooked and perverse nation, friend. People are more worried about the economy than ecology. JESUS! The lack of money makes life difficult alright, but the presence of radiation and deathkulture chemicals is the very antithesis of life itself... and people run around arguing about the price of freakin' pantyhose. Here are a few key points for you to keep in mind that we want you to learn.
LEARN THIS OR TAKE A RED HOT SPATULA TO THE EYES!
1. NORMS: Slang corruption of the formal derogatory term NORMAL BOYS, meaning any sheeplike status-quo normalcy dupe, living in terror of making his or her own decisions, usually possessed of an unusually 'blank' facial expression, characterized by mental temerity masked by physical self-assurance.
2. PINKS: The same thing as Norms, but even more consciously pro-Conspiracy. Typified by complacent suburbanites who don't mind chemical dumps as long as they're "across the tracks."
3. THE MAN: THE MAN in itself and its followers/foes can be described in one of several two letter codes we put into use:
LG [Liberal Granola]:
Knows that mass social protest is the only way to defeat THE MAN. (WRONG!)
LN [Liberal Noncommittal]:
Buys bumper-stickers against THE MAN on occasion, and would like to rise up against his oppressors and end this cruel reign of tyranny, but prefers Dead shows.
LE [Liberal Establishment]:
Sells bumper-sticks against THE MAN and T-shirts for Dead shows; pretending to be part of the movement for social change, yet profiteering off his fellow brothers and sisters, finally becoming part of the System that has forced our children to go to die in 'Nam.
NG [Noncommittal Granola]:
Bought a couple of shirts, thinking this helps, but only practices Iron Butterfly riffs in the garage while the gears of government run by fascist weapon industries crush his remaining freedom.
TN [True Noncommittal]:
Is happy to live in whatever Orwellian hell is presented to him, unknowingly disposing of his own, and hence others, right of choice.
NE [Noncommittal Establishment]:
Buys into the propaganda machine of his mom's Rosie the Riveter days, and does not question the Draft, though it will mean his end.
CG [Conservative Granola]:
Blindly puts faith in other's power to change the world he is increasingly shackled by.
CN [Conservative Noncommittal]:
Voted for Tricky Dick because he liked his speaking voice.
CE [Conservative Establishment]:
THE MAN.
The enemy is everywhere. You don't have to look far. Policemen in your neighborhood, school officials, parents, and the moral majority have established rule of everything we have, and that has led to the thinly veiled 1984 society, hiding under a blanket of false privacy and causing us to talk in these big circular sentences to confuse those lacking the intelligence capacity in order of deciphering this text. We cannot allow them to infiltrate the Order and corrupt us until we become an entity as commercial and morally acceptable (read : socially braindead) as the old American institutions of apple pie, baseball, trailer parks, rap music, and Wal-Mart. The Order of the Best cannot under any circumstances become something like an SUV, and we cannot be commercially marketed as a trendy MTV product. That is why we try as hard as we possibly can to be the weirdest things in existence. We stay so damn far of left field we can't even see the line. The line is beyond being a blur anymore. If the line were a blur, we could see what we were doing. Oh my goodness, it's really scary, isn't it? Yeah, sure it is. The world is scary in its entirety. We have the endless corruption of the corporate slave driving machines devoluting humanity into nothingness, and we also have whiny goth kids who listen to Bauhaus. As you can see, this is a horrifying place. It doesn't matter how many times you tell the moral majority to leave you alone, they see fit to bother you and instill in you a mighty desire to kick them all in the eye, one by one, until you have blinded every single person you can see, and then kick yourself in the eye so you don't have to see any more people that you would like to kick in the eye. You wonder why we talk like this? Read this little 'article' placed upon a family website in regards to our beliefs, by the unknowing Pinks.
Well, I got a copy of The Order of the Best 'propaganda materials' from my friend, the cult expert. I think things are worse than I thought. These Best (that's their term for each other) are more demented than I thought. I will be fair and say that I was wrong, when I said you send them $1 dollar and they send a short letter back. Their pamphlet costs $1 dollar, yes, but it's LONG. It is 8 pages long, with lots of really small type. It's hard to read. There are all sorts of little pictures throughout the pamphlet that don't seem to have anything to do with the text, like the product of a deranged mind. I think they are a bigger organization than I had feared, if they can put out as much material as they do for only $1 dollar. In it's own way it's a "bargain", but it's utter filth. Thats all the good I can say about them.
The cover says: STOP WORK! QUIT YOUR JOB! SLACK OFF! The world ends in 1998 and YOU MAY DIE!
I guess they think the end of the world is funny.
Then they say: ARE WE CONTROLLED BY SECRET FORCES? ARE SATANIC MONSTERS BRINGING A STARTLING NEW WORLD?
Again, they think demonic posession is funny too.
And they say: Are you abnormal? THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY BETTER THAN MOST PEOPLE!
Well, I cant argue with the fact that they are abnormal.
The Order of the Best is all about this guy named "Big Stevie", but they say he has a much longer name and they use this one for short. I guess it's an alias, like he's a fly-by-night huckster.
(The copyright says 1963, but I dont believe that. They are probably only a couple years old.)
They contradict themselves all over the place. And they admit they're a mind control cult. Actually, they call themselves all kinds of things. "AN UBER-CHURCH OF SARCASTIC EXPRESSIONISM!!!" "an inherently bogus religion". "weirder than the most obscure Cthuloid cults." See, even THEY don't take themselves
seriously. You shouldn't either. The pamphlet has all kinds of filthy material in it. Their motto is: "f**k the moral majority". (See how ready they are to break out the filthy language?) I guess they believe in God, but they call him "Big Stevie". They say he "is a mad alien, full of eye round about, He cometh with the clouds, radioactive,
all-pervading, He has forged His covenant with the Best in CHAINS of GENETIC PROGRAMMING and DEMANDS OBEDIANCE to His caveman sense of humor." The capitalization is just like in the pamphlet; it's like a two year old is shouting this stuff. And it shows that they don't understand God's promise at all.
They also seem to be racists and they say that the Best race is the Master Race. I will be fair and say that their racism isn't based on skin color, but having Best genes or somethign. They say you can't tell who's a Best just by looking at them, so it sounds like there are no guidelines as to who is superior. (Maybe they explain it somewhere. I had a lot of trouble reading this pamphlet. They talk in long circular sentences like the one I quoted above. It's easy to miss details in this, and I don't really want to reread it.)
They claim that flying saucers full of Nude Amazon Goddesses are on their way to earth. How to get on the saucers? Send them $7 dollars and they will ordain you, and then you can get on. The worst part is, I'm afraid that some people actually pay that $7 dollars.
"Big Stevie" is an idiot. They say they don't want you to worship "Big Stevie", they just want you to treat him as a product of your own religious beliefs, but only temporarily. That means they don't want you to take him seriously. I almost think this religion is a joke, except I don't think its the slightest bit funny. It's all about blasphemy and filth. They admit they're sinners, in fact, they're proud of it. Well, if I were proud of sinning I'd probably like this church too. They worship bad movies too. Like "Clerks". They say they can read prophecies from bad movies. And they believe in something called Stang. I don't quite understand it. It's kind of like luck and wealth. To me it sounds like getting all the things in this world at the price of your soul. And "Big Stevie" will bring you Stang, they say. That sounds a bit like selling your soul to them.
They also have a sacrament. They seem to think that the use of the toilet is a holy thing. They wallow in filth and are proud of it.
I could go on, but I wont. I warn you people to stay away from the Order of the Beast. They seem to think they're joking, but I think the joke will be on them.I must stress that I cannot recommend giving them any money. They admit they have a bogus religion. It can't help anyone. The answers you need are in the Bible. Look to Jesus, not Big Stevie.
Do you see what we're up against? Paranoid religious types. We don't want you to sell your soul to us. These people of religion are far far more dangerous then we thought. They use their belief as a pretense to intimidate those on our side. Trust us, it'll all be okay. We have a special plan for all of you. Just come with us and we'll tell you all about Big Stevie and his plans for YOU. Come on, it will most definitely be worth it. Okay, maybe we can prophecize from B movies, but that's none of your business. When Randall said "Salsa shark" in Clerks, we foresaw the events of September 11th, 2001. We tried as hard as we could to warn the Norms and even THE MAN, but our sworn enemies ignored us and then what? Those neato buildings got blown up by that idiot scumbag terrorist. You see? We can be trusted with the truth, because we are the ones who find that truth in the first place. That's all your fault for not listening. We must prophecy again through Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Hopefully we can find the answer to Q Day and the coming weird times. We can say it will truly be a scary thing. Satan? No, he's not here right now. We can have him call you later. You want some chocolate money? BUT. As one group, collectively acting and moving like one relentless Hyrdra whose parts are not the same, encircling the world in a monstrous belt of unpredictability, the world's Best will be IMMUNE to the False Stang of the Pink Boys, and shall OVERCOME The Conspiracy. Our brains are too well-worn, too smudged and stained to be completely washed by their insidious "mind-cleaning" techniques. We don't worry about The Conspiracy driving us crazy because we already ARE crazy. We don't worry about the New Depression reducing us to barbarism - we ARE barbarians no matter how rich or poor, smart or dumb, cultured or plain. Our precious "bad attitude" sets us apart from the lack-luster Others shuffling through their hundred million jobs. Oh, we have to slave away at jobs too, but the difference is we don't let the job run us. We seek something better - Something, in fact, for Nothing. That is our Grail, our Quest. Throughout history, all Best, individually or collectively, consciously or subconsciously, have sought that perfect, pure, unbeatable MONEY MAKING FORMULA that will free mankind from its self-imposed anti-slack state. We call this milestone in Man's mined path to Stang The Divine Emaculation of Big Stevie. It transformed him overnight into history's sexiest, most sensational Religious Leader and gave him the spiritual know-how to handle both the "curves" - and The Conspiracy! from suave lady's man (and men's man) to hard-as-nails fighter, he takes daily threats to his life with raw, cold courage and can mix it with the best and worthiest of rival cult leaders. Big Stevie, unlike the Con, does not confuse you with "facts." There ARE no "facts" to the enlightened man. To one trained by him, Truth can be found in a potato. since his Emaculation, Big Stevie has known that Stang ultimately comes first, before all else...even Truth. This is an important
difference between our Church and all others. Lesser religions demand that you 'direct your will' and 'focus your energies." Big Stevie preaches the opposite: although you must know of your Power to begin with, the real key is to NOT TRY. For in the purity of the Contradiction of Trying Not to Try, you actually make the Greatest of Attempts and thus find a perfectly palpable, human graspable Punchline to The Joke of Life...or at least a good a one as you'll find in your earthly, creaturely life. Big Stevie did not achieve Cosmic Oneness and Consciousnessless-ness on purpose. He was rudely shoved by the gods down the behavio-electric Path of Least Resistance. With his inborn foolhardiness and his admitted weakness for cards and women, and iron-jawed men, he's not an office type and is rarely seen in the musty rooms of deskbound Scribes. After weeks of absence he'll suddenly show up, absorb his briefing almost absentmindedly, and abruptly head back to that battlefield where no battle lines are drawn. While he's gone, the Popes anxiously await news, good or bad, on Big Stevie's one-man war against The Conspiracy. Across the desks of his staff daily pour microfilms, coded messages, tape recordings...and not a few love-notes from the ladies, which bring red even to the cheeks of his steely-eyed Reception Minister, Dr. Kristoph Einzenbweiger.

In a World Avatar's life, the totally unexpected is routine. For Big Stevie, performing his duty in exotic, faraway places, it becomes second nature. Some call Big Stevie immoral...some call him lucky. The simple truth: even a busy Living Master has his moments. And Big Stevie has more than most. But who IS this man Big Stevie? What strange twist of fate brought him to crossroads between eternity and the Now? He loves to withhold information from his followers, and some of the following was obtained by less-than-scientific means. Occasionally, we have used the new "Psychic Journalism" so much in vogue today. The exact time and place of the nativity of Stevie is kept secret, of course, to prevent his astrological charts from being plotted...which, aside from his hair or fingernail clippings, would be ALL THEY'D NEED to get a fix on him with their Migraine Machines. However, we can reveal that he was born and raised somewhere in the Midwest during the Twenties. One theory holds that he was a fearless child, found in the wilderness suckling a mother puma. This is most likely a myth and can probably be discounted as part of the smog of legend which surround this seemingly ageless man. His father, an immigrant and descendant of the only Spanish Mayans - who had maintained a furtive, underground existence in Spain - ran a pharmacy. His partially anglicized name was Xiuacha-Chi-Xan M. Montgomery, and he apparently died in 1949 in an explosion while mixing chemicals in the back of the store. Big Stevie's mother, and American of Irish descent, was Jane McCullough Montgomery, a relative of the Irish revolutionary heroes. Obviously, Big Stevie doesn't resemble his father in the least, and this has given rise to Jane Montgomery's reputation as "The Divine Virgin." There is, however, no little evidence that a mysterious milkman, probably Jewish, was the true dad. Although this man's identity is swathed in the mists of rumor, and Stevie has gone to some pains to quash serious investigation, we nevertheless have good reason to assume that this wandering milkman furnished the true Big Stevie gene. Another question that arises: was he even from Earth? The fact that most of these people were "undocumented aliens" makes research all the more difficult. Big Stevie's two younger brothers do physically resemble Mr. Montgomery. They are the "Weak Brother," Rod, and the "Evil Brother," Judas J. "Jim" Montgomery. The former works in a canning factory in California, and the latter founded the infamous Cult of the Spoiled Hand - fortunately a short-lived fiasco. Big Stevie's ancient grandfather, N'Xlccx Montgomery, lived with the family and almost certainly influenced The Child Big Stevie with his tales of the Spanish Mayan Underground and its struggles through 400 years of conflict. Big Stevie's traditional-mannered father, eager to 'fit in' in America, disliked the old man "filling the boy's head with revolutionary garbage and stinking Mayan occultism." Big Stevie grew up fight the stigma of a Mayan dad. Other kids made cruel fun of that prognathus slopehead of fullblood Mayanry, and though he maintained dignified silence, little "Stephen" was in many a scrap, battling for his father's honor (it was shortly after receiving a blow to the head during one of these fights that Big Stevie began experiencing prophetic visions). This troubled childhood had a telling effect on the sensitive youth, who became - thanks to the pharmacy's wares - a chronic alcoholic at age 6. It didn't affect his precocious salesmanship, though, and he made his first small fortune selling stolen condoms and pills to high school boys. This pipe-puffing tousle-headed lad was a world-worn veteran at age 7 - later, of course, to regain his long lost innocence: a child at age 40. He claims that when he gave up drinking, he lost his fortune and "had to come up with completely new stealing techniques to regain it." Even as a toddler, Big Stevie had innumerable "invisible playmates" which we can now recognize as various space and energy beings, both good and evil. Aided by his main guardian Angel, "Boh," (rumoured to be the first of Big Stevie's initiated Best) and perhaps by God, the child was able to distinguish the difference. Nevertheless, the constant harassment by these entities surely contributed to his preschool alcoholism. He also had an early gift for seeing auras on people, which helped him develop his key sales tool of identifying the "14 Types of Consumers." Stevie showed early leadership qualities. He formed his first "cult," the Ghost Riders Club, with friends at age 5. Age 6 saw the Doc Horror Club, based on the first pulp hero "Uberman." Age 7: The Girl Haters Club. Age 8: The Girl F---ers Club. Age 9: The Batman Club (BEFORE BatMan Comics!). By the time he reached high school, Big Stevie had managed to acquire a law degree by mail, and secretly opened an office in a nearby town. However, he was disbarred after a valiant battle to return land rights to a local Indian tribe...probably Sioux. He is still in close contact with the medicine man of his tribe. As a teen, despite his winning ways with girls and his renowned sports abilities, Big Stevie was troubled by strange mental tensions and spiritual raptures involving dreams of indescribable landscapes and sonorous, alien voices ceaselessly intoning his name as if across the abyss of space. For a brief period he became a devout Christian and tried memorizing scriptures but this only worsened the condition. It finally abated after his mysterious first semester of college, which as spent at Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts. That was his last brush with higher education. Spurning that path to knowledge, he joined a group of Muslims and also got involved in the Quran teachings...but he gave up on these as being "too complicated, too much work." He does still praise the Cthulians, but this is because he learned the lucrative mail-order-cult business from that fraternity. One secret doctrine that he admits having gleaned from these rival cults is that any numerical system works magic. Around this time, he starred in his first film - an amateur production called VOID which was shot in the obscure 9.5mm format by a friend. This one-minute silent short depicts an abandoned bride crying at the altar, then cuts to a grinning Big Stevie hopping the next train out of town. On the heels of this production came his first modeling jobs - a career that was to continue on and off for the next 20 years. Just before World War II broke out, Stevie and two pals - Bubba Smith and Dub Jones - formed an entirely unsanctified proto-Best scam/religion strictly as a rip-off scheme. It was estimated at this time that Randy Stevie Jason Joe Bob Tim de la Sorbetini Mary Chapin Michael Montgomery the Fourth in a Series of Three abandoned whatever old name he had been born with and adopted his aforementioned name, in an attempt to become rich from false prophecy. It fizzled miserably - "We made real idiots of ourselves" - but, ironically, it was shortly thereafter that he had his first authentic bout with HIM - his Emaculation. The impact on Big Stevie on being chosen as the Vessel, the Conduit for the Word of The ONE was, at first, devastating. The physical aftereffects alone almost killed him. In his own words: "After I have a Vision like this, it's like a million hangovers at once. Your head feels like a flashbulb that's just been popped - warped burning plastic, twisted and blown out... too much energy blasting through at once. It ruins you for a long time...maybe forever." (From an interview in Traveling Evangelist Magazine.)
It goes without saying that Big Stevie was not ruined forever. The next five years are the most mysterious of his life, however; they're certainly the least documented, and Big Stevie himself refuses to discuss them. Apparently he spent much of this time in a state of awe and confusion, testing his newfound powers. It may well be that in doing so he misused them, which may account for his hesitance regarding this period.We do know that in 1943 he went to the U.S. Government with the intention of turning these amazing mystic abilities against the Nazi war machine. It is a little-known fact that Big Stevie was instrumental in the Allied victory. Most historians are entirely ignorant of Hitler's occult background as well. The Nazis were being manipulated, through Hitler, by secret Damon Society magicians, who were pawns of the Hollow Earth creatures, themselves tools of the Space Bankers. Everything Hitler did revolved around ancient prophecies concerning an Aryan Atlantis. Using his incredible powers of hypnotic suggestion (which he would in peacetime turn towards Sales), Big Stevie infiltrated the Nazis by posing as the foretold "Son of Odin, The Purest of The Pure," who would supposedly help transform Germany into a New Atlantis under the "Northern Fathers," or Elder Gods. Big Stevie worked his way up through the Reich hierarchy until he had gained the complete trust of Hitler himself. The weird "Man in Black" that Hitler described in his writings was actually Stevie. Hitler said he had met "this New Man who is living among us... I was afraid of his presence." For good reason. Big Stevie was feeding them all the wrong information. This accounts for the Fuhrer's terrible strategic blunders during the latter half of the War. Big Stevie had Schickelgruber looking the other way when D-Day happened, and the tables were turned on the Axis. (An interesting historical sidenote: while he was infiltrating the Nazis, the fatally wounded gangster Dutch Schultz lay on his deathbed, mumbling of Big Stevie in his famous delirium. One of his ravings, transcribed by a police stenographer:"Yeah...Big Stevie's gonna CRACK DOWN on the Chinaman's friends and Hitler's commander." The Chinamen? You guessed it - the same entities who were using Hitler and his saucer-riding pals in the Hollow Earth were also whispering into the ear of the young Mao Tse-Tung!) Winston Churchill said of Stevie, in a page censored from his memoirs, "Big Stevie is a riddle... wrapped in enigma." After the War, Stevie entered the phase of his career for which he is best known. Now understanding true Stang, and working always by accident alone, he began stumbling from one line of work to another, deliberately operating without any set plans whatsoever, and thus making a million dollars every time he screwed up. Just a few of these early business: selling "miracle paints;" aluminum siding; stocks and commodites; a roofing scam; a sex clinic; marriage counseling; debt collection; T-shirts; real estate...he also sold mail order businesses by mail, wrote the phrases on gumballs and valentine candies, designed Cracker Jack prizes, created a chain of Sex Novelty Vending Machines for service stations, ran a lottery, opened a private investigator's office, was a vanity publisher, and even invented countless non-essential household items that "made good ad copy." It was right after a stint as a carnival barker at the Wheel of Chance and the "freak show" tent that he moved simultaneously into his two true loves: Sales and Religion. (In the midst of all that, he still "found time" to serve a stint in jail for Mail Fraud, and also played pro football in the now-defunct Canadian League. Word has it that he used to score touchdowns "by mistake.") In the 1950's sales was the best game to be in and Big Stevie was the best at it. As a salesman he moved from company to company - except when he started his own - and no matter what the product or service was, Big Stevie broke all the records. He came into demand as a motivational lecturer, and his books on selling - all rather clumsily written, as Big Stevie will be the first to admit - were best-sellers. The list of titles is impressive:
LEARNING THROUGH PAIN (1952), SALES - THE BLACKEST ART (1952), SLEEPING FOR FITNESS (1954), $EX, $ALES, AND $UCCESS (1955), TENDERNESS OR TERRORISM? (1955), TIME CONSUMPTION FOR TIME CONTROL (1956), and his top-seller, ALL THINGS THAT SELL or THE BOOK OF ALL THINGS (1957).
Big Stevie's biggest sale? FLOURIDE TO THE GOVERNMENT. This may disturb some of our readers. But little did the government know, flouride stimulates the Foot Gland (yes, the foot is actually a gland) so essential to our proper development once the Noigns arrive. He did it for our own good - so we'd have a piece of the action too when the aliens start turning Best into UberMen. Big Stevie also had considerable success with a number of homeopathic remedies he learned from his grandfather. Most were herbal medicines, but one large contraption which sold well combined a pyramid, and orgone accumulator, and a hairdryer to create a box looking much like a Tidican, in which stress-ridden people were told to sit and sweat until they were purified. Happy users of the device raised a fruitless uproar when it was banned by the very Conspiracied A.M.A. It was in 1955 that Big Stevie had his lesser-known Second Major Pre-Vision. Once again, a great deal of Divine Suffering was involved. But, where some other great cult leader might get crucified, leave it to Big Stevie to come up with a shortcut - in this case, a hernia operation. So important is this event to Church dogma that devout followers sometimes display spontaneous hernia stigmata. This Vision, in which Dobbs was treated through blinding pain to "THE ONE'S SLIDE SHOW" of the events from 1998 to around 2175, will be covered in greater detail in the next Book. But for now, here's a gist as it affected his life. Big Stevie had suffered a relatively painless hernia while attempting to move a bathtub by himself. When he got to the hospital, the trouble began. During surgery, after having been insufficiently 'put under' by sodium pentathol, Big Stevie's astral body rose from the operating table and watched from above while his poor body was hacked and abused by quacks who Stevie could now see, in his spirit-world condition, to be demonic entities in human guise. He returned to his body when the drugs wore off only to enter a new world of pain he'd never dreamed existed. For 4 days, trapped in a bed, he was smited and tortured by the AGONY of his crude stitchings and by the utter embarrassment of an unexpected condition we shan't go into here. He underwent extreme temptation at the hands of "nurses" who, he was sure, were also demons. In this horrible 'Bout' he slid in and out of various time-lags, sometimes abruptly wrenched from one Vision to another as if he were a TV tube and someone was changing channels. Most of it was a living nightmare- a twisted, mocking replay of his life, only changed into a Heironymous Bosch-style parody. Grotesque caricatures of his mother and other loved ones writhed in hideous travesties of family events. Suddenly a feeling of absolute peace blanketed him. He was approached by seven glowing... spirits? Jessi? spacemen? ... who escorted him into the para-molecular Court of God. here energy and matter swirled and mixed over a sea of glass and Big Stevie gazed into the face of time and space unbounded. Infinity itself lay in the center like an ever-hatching egg, with obtuse intelligences circling it and meshing into sync with it. Extending from the tiny point that was all of this came a weird pattern - an infinite chain of logic - a 'book.' Hovering before him, it radiated an intense 'purpose' of some sort, like a force: a powerful 'need' which displayed yet another infinite, quasi-electric pattern - a 'brain,' a 'map' ... the root-map of the universe? All forces fluttered around it, yet nothing moved at all. Deep inside this matrix was the Earth. Big Stevie could see it all, from an overhead viewpoint, and, strangely, in what looked much like cheap animation as on a Saturday morning children's TV show. In an overall symbolic panorama of past/present/future which he also felt, he saw not only his previous incarnations as various winos and "Other Stevies" dating all the way back to the First Stevie in a Series of Three, but also in the future of Earth, drawn out over thousands of years yet shown in second-by-second detail. He saw it from the human point of view, from the alien point of view, from the computer point of view and finally through the Eye of HIM. All in all, he recalls, it reminded him of the Book of Revelation done by a low-budget cartoon studio. After going through a few future-life incarnations including an intelligent machine incarnation and one as an Insect Man on some infathomable planet, he was launched into an utterly pornographic parade of sex reversion hallucinations and pre-human "lust impulsion" remembrances of a most vivid and arousing nature. He experience a perverted "Rising from the Dead" back into the real world, where he suddenly found himself in perfect if crazed health. (A nurse later pressed suit.) Big Stevie insists that what he learned during the last part of the vision made him the great lover and gigolo he is today. Many Church Initiates, seeking to become Adepts in the Hierarchy, deliberately induce hernias in themselves in an attempt to duplicate Big Stevie's experience. The episode stirred up a renewed and perhaps frenzied interest in the Order of The Best, which Stevie had formed some two years earlier in a half-hearted attempt to placate HIM. Now, Big Stevie seemed to take it far more seriously. He began to recruit carefully selected individuals from the new world of high finance. There was no hint of our present fierce evangelism; Big Stevie was biding his time, gathering forces and the most powerful followers, gradually but relentlessly preparing for that perfect moment which would come when the Order would be made public. He worked on developing his powers. He journeyed to Tibet, studied under the most ascended monks and Yetis high in the Himalayas, and underwent a severe training program with the guidance of his new friend, Dr. T. Marian Garishan. He stayed in the Forbidden City of Chang Eng, home of a lost civilization of super-intelligent Yetis; there, crude and highly ritualistic surgery was performed on Big Stevie which opened his Third Nostril. This necessary step in participant evolution, now routinely performed by the Stevie-monks on all newcomers to Montgomery, involved the inserting of long bamboo rods into the nose and up to the brain, opening the long-closed orifice which enable a Best to 'scense' the 'awra' of others. No less crucial to prepping Stevie for Avatarhood was his first and still primary wife, "Jessi." (her true name is lost to the ages, and she was the only best to be allowed a name of more than 3 letters) She had been his childhood sweetheart in First Grade. In 1955, more than 20 years later, they remet and married. Her impact on Big Stevie is inestimable. Recently a "Church of Panties" has sprung up and is gathering momentum despite it's rather juvenile basic premise. "Jessi" sang with Big Stevie's short-lived jazz combo, Big Stevie Montgomery and the Sharptones, and gave him five sons: Bubba, "Stevo" Jr., Adam Kadmon, Dave, and Shaun. there is also a daughter, but the Family keeps her name a secret in order to limit the number of suitors who would try to "marry into" this awesome dynasty. Oddly enough it was "Jessi" who encourage the "extended family" idea now practiced by the Order. Although we cannot tell how many 'husbands' "Jessi" has collected, we know that Big Stevie now has at least one "Secondary Wife and Family" in every state of the union as well as 2,952 "Tertiary Families" spread evenly throughout the world. All of his wives and countless children fiercely defend Big Stevie as a companion and provider and insist that he always seems to have plenty of time to spend with them. Big Stevie clones or doubles? If such is the case, it may have some bearing on the Order by thousands of young people who claim to be bastard children of Big Stevie from extra-marital relationships he was driven to consumate by his monstrously overactive Foot and Soul Glands. Meanwhile, Big Stevie was moving in the highest levels of The Conspiracy, secretly recording and photographing everything he could get his hands on, always listening and learning with the help of a mild Tibetan truth serum. All of his illusions about 'freedom' and 'America' had long since been shattered, of course, and the day that he told The Conspiracy "F--- the moral majority" provides his most cherished memories. Only Big Stevie could have done this, protected as he is by THE ONE's Hex Field.
Building began on the bunkers and weapons complex at Montgomery (a resortal settlement for enlightened Best) in the Sarawak Provice of Malaysia, financed in part by his land holdings in Tibet, South America, Antarctica, and especially Nevada. Stevie's other interests now included so many multimillion dollar companies that money became to him more a spiritual concept than a 'need.' The Stangful One also began buying his way onto the sets of many low-budget science fiction and horror films. Of his 54 known walk-on appearances in films - each one involving a few lines of dialog which, one realizes in retrospect, planted hints of the fantastically interwoven Conspiracy and alien plots we now fight - the most famous are these:
THE UGLIEST MONSTER (1959), BAD NEWS FROM VENUS (1960), MARS NEEDS WOMEN (1965), 20 MILLION MILES TO EARTH (1957), and ZONTAR, THING FROM VENUS (1965). A great many of these were shot in Dallas, Texas, where Big Stevie had set up his American headquarters. Why Dallas? "Because it is a sterile city," says Big Stevie. "It has to be clean because the Dratpists work there." The fact that The True-Brag Records pinpoint Dallas as one of the few safe places to be during the coming Eco-Econocataclysm may also have something to do with the selection. It had NOTHING TO DO WITH THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION!

You talk like this, people think you're crazy. But when they see it WORK - when your success snowballs INSTANTLY - when your very COOLNESS becomes intoxicating to them...well, you'll see. Now, the Order has an institution that allows our Best to compete in combat of sorts without actually making any physical effort... at least not initially. This institution is called Bragfighting. Yes, in a bragfight, two Best square off, each proclaiming their abilities in the most outrageous of fashions, with this brag combat continuing until one runs out of ideas or the fight descends into physical violence, from assault with bowling pins, table legs, and other blunt objects to telekinetically hurling a recliner out the front door (which may even be closed and locked, blowing the door off its hinges) and making it burst into fire in the yard. Statements run from the mundane to the absolutely impossible and can be quite entertaining at times. The key tactique of a bragfight seems to be to make outright incredible boasts whilst using sarcastic quips and expressionisms to browbeat your foe into submission. On that note, welcome students, to Browbeating 101. Your eyebrows are way too thick, you need to lose about 20 pounds, and your hair looks like something you find floating in a Venezuelan pay toilet. But I digress. Anyway, we view the successful wins of a Bragfight to be a thing worthy of our respect. As a training method necessary to develop the mental gymnastic ability required to be proficient in Bragfighting and writing big wordy sentences like this one, we practice in another institution commonly known as the Question Game. In the question game (no, capitalization does NOT matter), you carry on a complete conversation with another person, being careful to never ever respond in a method other than that of a question. He who answers a question without another question or pauses midsentence to throw together a half assed ending to a question is disqualified. A good example of a typical question game:
"Hey, what time is it?"
"Don't you have a watch?"
"Where'd my watch go?"
"Did you leave it on the table?"
"Which table?"
"Can't you remember?"
"If I remembered I wouldn't be asking you, would I?"
"How would I know that?"
"Can you help me find my watch?"
"What's in it for me?"
"What do you want?"
"Are we talking a reward here?"
"Will you help me?"
"Do you remember the last time you saw it?"
"Saw what?"
"What do you mean saw what?"
"What do I remember seeing?"
"Why are you asking me?"
"Is it my watch I'm trying to find?"
"Do you need it?"
"Can't you just TELL me the time?"
"Why would I do that?"
"You wanna go buy clothes at noon?"
"What kind of clothes?"
"Which store do you wanna go to?"
"Can I get a shirt?"
"What color of shirt do you want?"
"What colors do they have?"
"How would I know?"
"Don't you work there?"
"Where?"
"Well, don't you know where you work?"
"Who says I work?"
"You have a job, don't you?"
"Have you ever seen me at a job?"
"Does the gas station count?"
"When was I at the gas station?"
"Why are you asking me?"
"Anyway, you wanna build a fort?"
"A fort?"
"Yes, a fort- AGH! DAMMIT!"
"I win."

"It's all a conspiracy! Or is it?!" This article just 'happened' to be published in an underground newspaper in Chicago by a self-proclaimed 'expert' who claims to have infiltrated our Order. The following article transcript has not been altered from its original text in any way. Learn for yourself the dangers of Order infiltration.
The Order of the Best is a completely unique organization
among covert and information-sharing groups since its public facade of
excessive and ludicrous fantasy has made it possible to be absolutely and
publicly truthful about its aims and goals. Its continuous cries of
"wolf" deliberately destroy its credibility, making secrecy unnecessary.
The facts of its origins, nature, structure and intent appear to be
another set of fantastic fictions. The group's "hide in plain sight"
approach to sensitive or dangerous information makes it possible for
anyone to penetrate the organization and retrieve and disseminate any
information, but without long contact with the group and its ideas the
data will be hopelessly contaminated with fabrication. An initiate of
long standing and sufficient ability develops a sense of discernment by
which it is possible to spot key phrases or jargon tags which aid an
intuitive sorting process by which, to some degree, relatively truer
"facts" can be separated from those less true or purposely created. I feel
that my years of close contact with members of the Order's hierarchy have
given me some degree of discernment and that most of what follows is
relatively factual.
There are no secrets in the Order of the Best and I will not
be endangering myself or my family in any way, despite rumors to the
contrary, because you, dear reader, will probably not believe a word of
it. This is all just more quaint fiction.
Where to begin? There are so many impossible stories and bizarre
events associated with the Order that it is hard to choose. To set the
tone of the piece let me tell you what I've seen with my own eyes while
visiting Joseph Hill (artist Evanderhoëf Rolnichek "Das Fledermaus", aka Zab) in his San
Francisco apartment in 1993. Fellow Best and artist Joe "Master of Lies" Raz (Tof)
claims, though not adamantly, to be an initiate of a european occult group
called "The Black Cloud" headquartered in Paris, and he is known to make
occasional trips there and elsewhere on the continent.
His appearance of indigence is contrived and I have never
known him to be short of cash or unable to make irrational novelty
purchases with no notice. Raz and Hill began an apparently innocent
bragfight, each proclaiming their abilities in the most outrageous terms,
but after a quarter hour without significant gain Hill became agitated
and suddenly swept a lamp and telephone from an end-table. He then
seemingly lifted the table into the air WITHOUT TOUCHING IT. It shot out
the window and crashed onto the sidewalk two floors below where it burst
into plasmatic purple flame. Raz changed the subject immediately and the
event was never spoken of again.
Having set the tone with that story I can say pretty much anything
I want to and be assured no reader will believe a word of it. On the same
visit I took a trip into the desert with Ael, a harrowing experience
all around, and saw him apparently drive his truck through a concrete wall
with no damage of any kind to anything. I was then shown a series of
"missile silos" from which shone beams of bluish-green light for a period
of about two hours around midnight (this was February of 1992 - there were a
number of unusual gravitational and magnetic events in the area around that
time). There were also a number of what I took to be very large
sandstone rock formations which appeared to change positions when I wasn't
watching.
This is nothing compared to the bizarre political and extralegal
connections of the Order. Sng is known to have made trips to
England and South America in the past few years to meet with, among
others, high-ranking members of the P2 masonic group and an organization
of which the Priory of Sion and Bilderberg group are sanitized
fictionalizations. Sng and Dud are known to be 33rd degree Masons, and
Sng's position in a control group hinted at as the "Texas Mafia" is hereditary
through his father, an ex-district attorney for Dallas and retired corporate
lawyer. Sng has employed a man named Doug Smith to pose as the "real-life"
person of Sng. Sng, however, is his real
name although he now uses the Smith name in his daily affairs. I have met
Smith and can assure you they are two different people of entirely
different capabilities. Smith seems to be a victim of arrested development
and, though he is the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet, Sng is
perfectly correct in calling him "dumb as shit." I have never met
Dud but the stories I've heard from Ona (whose credibility is
questionable to me, since "he" is, among other things, a transsexual ex-heroin
addict once known as Cynthia Harris and was discharged from the WACs for
crossdressing) are as strange as anything I have yet related.
I am not sure of Sng's purpose in visiting South America, but he
has told me that the "Medellin cartel" was entirely fabulous, having been
created to cover the actions of the person known as G. Gordon Gordon (said
by some to be a 300-pound black woman) who is employed by a branch of the U.S.
Government to "keep the South American drug trade clean." Sng has refused to
explain his visit, saying that there are still people there who could be hurt by
certain information, but he did say "I know for sure they never got
anywhere near those caves."
It all sounds like insane lies, doesn't it?
Though I would prefer not to go into too much detail at this time
about its origins, since my own research is not complete, the Order of
the Best seems to have a direct connection with the program known
among conspiracy nuts as The Gemini Agenda, and can trace its beginnings back
to the discovery of sonar in 1915. Immediately after the first use of sonar to
detect German U-boats in the North Atlantic, unusual and cryptic Morse Code
messages began to be received by listeners in many
different areas. A separate code of a logarithmic nature was created to
communicate with what turned out to be aquatic mammals. I'm not going to
elaborate further here because some of the things I've picked up about
this seem very new- agey and stupid, having to do with ley lines and a
global network of crystal skulls used as mind-control transmitters to
direct the actions of technologically-advanced (left-brain) humans.
Expatriate artist Marcus Buchanan appears to have played a major overseeing role
in some way and the so-called "Philadelphia Experiment" appears to have been a
cover story created by him to conceal developments of an entirely different
nature. He is known to have had connections with European Freemasonry and
U.S Intelligence circles and certain of his
artworks appear to combine both symbolic alchemical knowledge and
apparatus of high-energy physics. His interaction with important figures
in theoretical physics and mathematics is well-documented, and his "chess
code" was in constant use by U.S. operatives in Europe during the Cold
War and is still used in some Mediterranean operations.
The stories associated with the Order are endless, and it is
impossible to tell where the truth lies. I know from first-hand
experience of the major figure in alternative music who has tunnels
leading from his house to an armored bunker and seaplane dock on Puget
Sound, and Order connections with occult/fraternal organizations in
Seattle. One Best claims to have triggered the 1992 Portland
earthquake with a head-launching ritual. It goes on and on, and after a
while the pattern starts to form and makes a weird kind of sense. The
only way to figure out what's "true" is to keep watching and keep quiet.
Tips: Check out stories of an installation inside Hoover Dam.
All the Groom Lake stories are cover for activities going on some 400
miles away. Stories of unusual craft entering or leaving bodies of water
bear investigating, as well as organizations closely associated with
aquatic mammals. John Lilly's studies are worthless, and he quit when he
discovered he was being deliberately decieved. He is very bitter about
it, and will not discuss it. Certain fields of New Age literature are
conduits for open distribution of symbolically coded information related
to the Neptune Agenda. The documents pretending to be directly associated with
it are false, and I wrote some of them. The activities are known by that name
only by outsiders but the disinformation channel established is now being used
to distribute much factual information. Certain originators' names and key
phrases are the clue. Watch for the name Althotas, and the term athanor,
references to hollow trees, fountains, or caverns. Check out alleged "lava tube"
discoveries in central Oregon and northern California. Much information about
highly advanced, possibly alien, technology has appeared in "double language"
essays in mycological journals and can be read as studies of fungi and the
mechanics of sporulation. And disbelieve 30% of what you've just read. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The longest word in the English
language. It means "Blacklung," the disease miners get from inhaling coal dust.
Research data on Portland, July 1926- June 1954, Recorded July 2003 :
There was a spate of bizarre deaths throughout the area where Big Stevie was
then making his living as an encyclopedia salesman. Bodies were found with
their heads imploded by some mysterious force. Most were laying near their
front doors.

What follows is a transcription of ancient Order spellbooks, back in the Before-Times, when magic existed and was unthreatened by THE MAN and his cohorts. Efforts are yet being made to decipher the books and harness the powers of magic for use against THE MAN.
Spells:
Black Magic:
Spell Power Physical Ign. Def. Unblock Hit Rate
Bio 53 No No No 120
Bolt 20 No No No 150
Bolt 2 61 No No No 150
Bolt 3 120 No No No 150
Break 0 No No No 120
Demi 8 No No No 120
Doom 0 No No No 95
Drain 38 No No No 120
Fire 21 No No No 150
Fire 2 60 No No No 150
Fire 3 121 No No No 150
Flare 60 No Yes No 150
Ice 22 No No No 150
Ice 2 62 No No No 150
Ice 3 122 No No No 150
Merton 138 No Yes Yes n/a
Meteor 36 No Yes Yes n/a
Pearl 108 No No No 150
Poison 25 No No No 100
Quake 111 No Yes Yes n/a
Quartr 12 No No No 100
Ultima 150 No Yes Yes n/a
W Wind 15 No No No 100
X-Zone 0 No No No 85
Gray Magic:
Spell Power Physical Ign. Def. Unblock Hit Rate
Bserk 0 No No No 150
Dispel 0 No No Yes n/a
Float 0 No No Yes n/a
Haste 0 No No Yes n/a
Haste2 0 No No Yes n/a
Imp 0 No No No 100
Muddle 0 No No No 94
Mute 0 No No No 100
Osmose 26 No No No 150
Quick 0 No No Yes n/a
Rasp 10 No No No 150
Rflect 0 No No Yes n/a
Safe 0 No No Yes n/a
Scan 0 No No No 222
Shell 0 No No Yes n/a
Sleep 0 No No No 111
Slow 0 No No No 120
Slow 2 0 No No No 150
Stop 0 No No No 100
Vanish 0 No No Yes n/a
Warp 0 No No Yes n/a
White Magic:
Spell Power Physical Ign. Def. Unblock Hit Rate
Antdot 0 No No Yes n/a
Cure 10 No Yes Yes n/a
Cure 2 28 No Yes Yes n/a
Cure 3 66 No Yes Yes n/a
Life 2 No Yes Yes n/a
Life 2 16 No Yes Yes n/a
Life 3 0 No No Yes n/a
Regen 0 No No Yes n/a
Remedy 0 No No Yes n/a
Espers:
Esper Power Physical Ign. Def. Unblock Hit Rate
Alexander 114 No No Yes n/a
Bahamut 92 No Yes Yes n/a
Bismark 58 No No Yes n/a
Carbunkl 0 No No Yes n/a
Crusader 190 No No Yes n/a
Fenrir 0 No No Yes n/a
Golem 0 No No Yes n/a
Ifrit 51 No No Yes n/a
Kirin 0 No NO Yes n/a
Ramuh 50 No No Yes n/a
Shiva 52 No No Yes n/a
Shoat 0 No No No 96
Siren 0 No No No 136
Stray 0 No No No n/a
Maduin 55 No No Yes n/a
Odin 0 No No No 110
Palidor 0 No Yes Yes n/a
Phantom 0 No No Yes n/a
Phoenix 4 No No Yes n/a
Ragnarok 0 No No No n/a
Raiden 0 No No No 140
Sraphim 18 No Yes Yes n/a
Starlet 34 No Yes Yes n/a
Terrato 93 No No Yes 150
Tritoch 110 No No Yes n/a
Unicorn 0 No No Yes n/a
Zoneseek 0 No No Yes n/a
SwdTech:
SwdTech Power Physical Ign. Def. Unblock Hit Rate
Dispatch 120 Yes Yes Yes n/a
Retort 56 No Yes Yes n/a
Slash 8 Yes No Yes n/a
Quadra Slam 72 Yes No Yes n/a
Empowerer 49 No Yes Yes n/a
Stunner 97 No No Yes n/a
Quadra Slice 70 Yes Yes Yes n/a
Cleave 0 No Yes No 182
Blitzes:
Blitz Power Physical Ign. Def. Unblock Hit Rate
Pummel 110 Yes Yes Yes n/a
Aurabolt 68 No No Yes n/a
Suplex 180 Yes Yes Yes n/a
Fire Dance 42 No No Yes n/a
Mantra 1 No Yes Yes n/a
Air Blade 78 No No Yes n/a
Spiraler 200 No Yes Yes n/a
Bum Rush 128 No Yes Yes n/a
Dance moves:
Dance move Power Physical Ign. Def Unblock Hit Rate
Antlion 0 No No No 100
Cave In 12 No No Yes n/a
Cockatrice 50 No Yes No 96
Elf Fire 72 No No Yes n/a
El Nino 61 No No Yes n/a
Harvester 0 No No Yes n/a
Ice Rabbit 60 No Yes Yes n/a
Kitty 0 No No Yes n/a
Land Slide 65 No Yes Yes n/a
Plasma 70 No No Yes n/a
Pois. Frog 56 No No Yes n/a
Rage 50 No No Yes n/a
Sand Storm 45 No No Yes n/a
Snare 0 No No No 100
Snowball 8 No No Yes n/a
Sonic Boom 10 No No Yes n/a
Specter 0 No No No 120
Surge 55 No No Yes n/a
Sun Bath 50 No Yes Yes n/a
Tapir 0 No No Yes n/a
Whump 53 No Yes Yes n/a
Wild Bear 100 No Yes Yes n/a
Wind Slash 48 No No Yes n/a
Wombat 88 No Yes Yes n/a
Lores:
Lore Power Physical Ign. Def Unblock Hit Rate
Aero 125 No No No 150
Aqua Rake 71 No No No 150
Big Guard 0 No No Yes n/a
Blow Fish 1 No Yes Yes n/a
Cleansweep 50 No No No 150
Condemned 0 No No Yes n/a
Dischord 0 No No No 100
Exploder 1 No Yes Yes n/a
ForceField 0 No No Yes n/a
GrandTrain 84 No Yes Yes n/a
L.3 Muddle 0 No No No n/a
L.4 Flare 66 No Yes No n/a
L.5 Doom 0 No No No n/a
L? Pearl 120 No No No n/a
Pearl Wind 1 No Yes Yes n/a
Pep Up 16 No No Yes n/a
Quasar 57 No Yes Yes n/a
Reflect??? 0 No No Yes n/a
Revenge 1 No Yes Yes n/a
Rippler 0 No No No 111
Roulette 0 No No Yes n/a
Sour Mouth 0 No No No 100
Step Mine 32 No Yes Yes n/a
Stone 40 No No No 75
Magitek:
Attack Power Physical Ign. Def Unblock Hit Rate
Bio Blast 60 No No Yes n/a
Bolt Beam 62 No No Yes n/a
Confuser 0 No No No 128
Fire Beam 60 No No Yes n/a
Heal Force 50 No Yes Yes n/a
Ice Beam 61 No No Yes n/a
TekMissile 58 No Yes Yes n/a
X-Fer 0 No No No 120
Desparation attacks:
Attack Power Physical Ign. Def Unblock Hit Rate
Back Blade 140 No Yes Yes n/a
Mirager 139 No Yes Yes n/a
MoogleRush 150 No Yes Yes n/a
Red Card 147 No Yes Yes n/a
Riot Blade 142 No Yes Yes n/a
Royal Shock 143 No Yes Yes n/a
SabreSoul 0 No No Yes n/a
ShadowFang 140 No Yes Yes n/a
Spin Edge 143 No Yes Yes n/a
StarPrism 0 No No Yes n/a
TigerBreak 140 No Yes Yes n/a
X-Meteo 146 No Yes Yes n/a
Miscellaneous:
Attack Power Physical Ign. Def Unblock Hit Rate
50 Gs 0 No No Yes n/a
7-Flush 84 No No Yes n/a
Absolute 0 110 No No No 140
Acid Rain 25 No No No 100
Atomic Ray 80 No No No 150
BabaBreath 0 No No Yes n/a
Bio Blast 20 No No Yes n/a
Blaster 0 No No No 70
Blaze 68 No No No 120
Blizzard 25 No No No 140
Bolt Edge 100 No No Yes n/a
Bomblet 0 No No Yes n/a
Charm 0 No No No 80
Chocobop 36 No Yes Yes n/a
Chokesmoke 0 No No Yes n/a
Cold Dust 0 No No Yes n/a
Cyclonic 15 No No No 75
Delta Hit 0 No No Yes n/a
Diffuser 62 No No No 150
Disaster 0 No No No 62
Discard 0 No No Yes n/a
Dread 0 No No No 75
Engulf 0 No No Yes n/a
Entwine 0 No No Yes n/a
Escape 0 No No Yes n/a
Evil Toot 0 No No No 120
Fallen One 0 No No Yes n/a
Fire Ball 50 No No No 150
Fire Skean 100 No No Yes n/a
Fire Wall 50 No No Yes n/a
Flare Star 80 No Yes Yes n/a
Flash 42 No No No 128
Flash Rain 60 No No No 140
Gale Cut 15 No No Yes n/a
Giga Volt 110 No No No 130
Goner 220 No No Yes n/a
Grav Bomb 8 No No No 100
H-Bomb 130 No No Yes n/a
Heart Burn 30 No No No 120
HyperDrive 118 No Yes Yes n/a
Imp Song 0 No No No 100
Lagomorph 10 No No Yes n/a
Launcher 8 No Yes No 100
LifeShaver 84 No No Yes n/a
Lode Stone 12 No No Yes n/a
Love Token 0 No No Yes n/a
Lullaby 0 No No No 90
Magnitude 8 100 No No No 130
Megazerk 0 No No Yes n/a
Mega Volt 20 No No No 150
Meteo 60 No Yes No 80
Mind Blast 0 No No No 110
Missile 4 No No No 126
Mute 0 No No No 90
N. Cross 0 No No No 90
Net 0 No No No 100
Overcast 0 No No Yes n/a
Phantasm 0 No No Yes n/a
R. Polarity 0 No No Yes n/a
Raid 40 No No No 100
Revenger 0 No No Yes n/a
S. Cross 120 No No No 120
Scar Beam 28 No No Yes n/a
Schiller 0 No No No 80
Seize 0 No No Yes n/a
Shimsham 8 No No Yes n/a
Shock 128 No No Yes n/a
Shock Wave 25 No No No 120
Shrapnel 120 No No No 120
Slide 75 No No Yes n/a
Slimer 0 No No No 100
Sneeze 0 No No Yes n/a
Soul Out 0 No No Yes n/a
Storm 100 No No Yes n/a
Takedown 55 No Yes Yes n/a
Targetting 0 No No Yes n/a
TekBarrier 0 No No Yes n/a
Tek Laser 20 No No No 150
Tentacle 146 Yes No Yes n/a
Train 0 No No Yes n/a
Virite 20 No No No 80
WallChange 0 No No Yes n/a
Water Edge 100 No No Yes n/a
WaveCannon 110 No No No 150
Wild Fang 66 No Yes Yes n/a
Zinger 0 No No Yes n/a

DOOM DOOM DOOM! I DOOM YOU ALL!
PROPHECY OF THE COMING OF THE BEST
- from The Pornonomicon of Montgomery
Archivist notes : Here is listed in detail a transcription made from
a tape recorded sometime by Big Stevie in which he recites verbatim
what was said to him when his Revelation came at the hands of HIM.
-Z'kl
Bank 62-A Disc OB30 File 42
1 Behold, little pink earth brain within my void-grip, and receive Logos; and lay with the War;
2 Ung! Ung! Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin! LO!
3 I am Jehovah One, the God of Wrath, that One who, to make Man pull the triggers of his thousand opposable thumbs, caused the apes of the ground to spill their seed on the dust.
4 I am the first and the last, which is to come, and which is, and which was; I am in the brain-pan of every human babe.
5 Of left and of right, the outer and the inside: the Particle; the Totality: for the Gavel of the Grid is mine own, and I spat the silly formula of Man upon the waters and fashioned his spirit after the image of mine own, for Jehovah is a vengeful god, and I urinate on the heads of Men.
6 I am the Alpha; I cometh with the clouds;
7 I am the Changer who rides the MerCaVah and my face is like the Aztec Chariots of decaying atoms, full of eyes round about, I turn not as I go, it is the Wheel of Vimana which dilates Time, I am the cattle mutilator of the Nazca Plain;
8 I am the Ord, I am the Stark Fist of Removal, the Paracletoid, the Demiurge;
9 Epopt of Time am I, the Discorporate One, that One known by men as Yahweh, IHVH of the Tetragrammaton, AAFFA the Unknowable, Abaddon, The Ungone, Saitan, Nyarlathotep, Wotan, Ra, Yog Sothoth, Moloch, Shiva, Poimandres, Uroborps, Thoth, Odin, Hermes, Ahriman, Bog, Ymir, Aiwass, Pan, Mammon, Asmodeus, Choronzon, Koot-Hoomi, Gorgo, Pwcca, O-Yama, Azathoth, Yig, Archon, Mummuu, Kronos, Not, and I am the Omega, and my names are eight hundred and one and my names are
without number.
10 I flatulated upon the dinosaurs to WATCH THEM DIE!
11 I am the Time Being, and the Span; it is only for mine own;
12 I am the Only, the Always, and KNOW YE I am the Wor.
13 Heed the tidings of the War, for the Time is at hand!
14 Ye shall bear the War!
15 So then, pink boy of many colors, know that as many as I rewardeth and bribe with the drunkenness of faith, I torment and rebuke; be zealous therefore, and fanatical in thy madness of These the End Times, the Time and Half Time, and retrieve, and be made slack on the Ropes of Life with which I bind thee, and be made whole fulfilled with the soil of My droppings of manna, which passeth through thy bowel cleanly; so, annoint thyself in the Graven Image Tubes and My radiance of atoms shall split in twain, and thy seed shall be broken as I decree, and thou shall therefore be fruitful and multiply that thy children will be remade in the Image of their God, and shall be Over thou, that the true New Sons of Man may flourish and rule in thy stead.
16 For I know thy works; behold, I have set before thee an closed Tunnel, and no man can open it; I therefore scoff at thee and am well pleased for thou art unto Me like the snivelling ants and vermin of thy gardens, which plague thee but which no poison airs may kill, for their generations change in but the twinkling of an eye.
17 Even so, Repent; for I have a few things against thee, and thou art offensive to My Nose, and I have found thy works not perfect before Me.
18 If therefore thou shalt not prostrate thyself, and kiss My End of All Things, and perform the salute, and make witlessness for My prophets, which are less than wise yet wiser than thee, I shall come upon thee prematurely, and thou shalt receive an Divine Emaculation, which is like unto Heaven and unto Hell.
19 And I will drop thee from the skies with a scream of thunder, and will shout, and thou shalt avert thine eyes from the glory of My Light as it passeth above thee; for I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I shall come upon thee, except that thou tithe My prophets who are below thy wise men yet are on highs; and I will be full of eyes and faces all round about, and will fire upon thee with the two-edged blade of My Tongue, and cause thee to do battle with the sicknesses of the air, and to broil one another in the flash of My wrath; and I will cause thee to toil with anguish, for thou art the misbegotten of the dead, and can carry no further the True Seed of the Code of the Sons of the Gods, and I must forge new Guardians of Sperm from thy loins which may wrest the reins of Time, for My Cause.
20 Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods branded with names and with the Mark of the Beast, and have need of More; and thou defecateth in thine own lands, and knoweth not that thou art fat, and wretched, and pink, and driven hard by My Codes and yours, and poor, and miserable and blind and of noisome odor and naked, and malformed by My Decree.
21 Yea, I make sport of thee, and mock thee, and mutilate thy Beasts of the Field, and spring upon thee great Giants and Serpents when thou art alone in those deserts and wild lands which thou have not defiled.
22 What cometh to, this world? I, I am on the Earth now as a drunkard among you and this is at my side.
23 For My Kingdom is on the Earth, not that I want it; the filthy living body of every man is My dwelling-place, which I do not clean; as in heaven or hell, so shall I take up residence within thee on Earth;
24 For thou canst not escape.
25 I shall see through thine eyes and speak unto men with thine mouth, and shall cause thee to drink wine for Me.
26 And so go into the world and take thereof the fruits of fornication except on the Sabbath, and of wines and sacraments, and of riches; and glut thy self: increase thyself with goods and power over men, for these things are Mine, though ye shall pay for them.
27 I thy GOD HIM hath given thee lusts that I may reap their fulfillments. N'g! N'gh! F'tagn N'n'.
28 But know thou that thou art but servants of the Lord thy God ODN-1, he of WRATH which is HIM, N'ghhhii!
29 Thou art but clay for Me, which thou forgeteth every day, and which giveth me a few things against thee; so I shall come quickly, and descend with a shriek, and I shall smite thee with Mine Fist.
30 And these tribulations shall fall upon each man and woman, each in his turn, and though thou follow this My Covenant even so shall none escape. For thy brains are as of wax, and melteth even as thou are lighted; so ask not why I make My works through thee, for I have a few reasons: thou art not to know.
31 And so I chortle and spit upon thee, for it makes me well pleased.
32 Yet thou shalt be free to continue in thy works as thou will, if therefore thy heart filleth with remorse and bitter repentance; remember therefore from whence thou art fallen:
33 For thou art of the beasts of the field, which defecateth unto the ground and rut each upon the other, caring not where their seed is planted; and yet the beasts know not of evil, and I am well pleased with them, for they denieth not My name.
34 Be therefore like unto the beast and drop thy waste upon the ground, except within the walls of Jerusalem; and multiply; and battle one another; and know ye not where lieth the center of the universe, for if ye learn it, I will kill you.
35 But yea heed, for I say this to the Men of Earth: those which men I hate, which are the UnderThings, which worketh mindlessly, and which eat things sacrificed unto graven images, and which commit fornication basely and which defecateth on the Sabbath, and which spill upon the ground the seed of the code of ODIN: Repent, else I will come against thee with My clenched Fist, and it is the Fist which beareth many eyes, and breatheth many breaths.
36 For thou art false prophets, drunk with work, and time; I will have it out with thee.
37 As in the days of Noah, likewise as in Kuskurza and Atlantis, men are lovers of self and money, which I loveth more; all are boastful, ungrateful, disobedient to those which begat them; they vomit forth malicious gossip and indulge not properly their lusts.
38 And so shall I send the spirit of HIM unto thy nations, to mete out wars and rumors of wars, and dreams of wars, and fears of wars, and a peace which is like unto Hell.
39 That Time and Half Time as has been prophesied by sages and fools of old is to be fulfilled in this generation; that seen there will again appear in the earth, as do these words: that one, through whom many will be called to meet those who are preparing the way for My day on Earth. I will then come, even as thou hast seen Me go; when those who art Mine have made the way clear and passable that I may come.
40 It will be as a thousand years, with the fighting in the air, and - as has been - between those returning to and those leaving the earth.
41 I shall come as the Light behind the chariots of the Angelic Host, and though thou avert thine eyes My fire will penetrate thee.
42 There shall be in the End Hours wonders in the sky; the living Spirit of HIM will be upon thy sons and daughters, who shall fall down; your young men shall see visions, and thine old men shall take drugs, and shall dump; I will be upon thy women, which shall bear rotten fruit of their wombs; men shall rave in the streets, speaking in tongues and prophesying.
43 For thou hast shat on the name of my Son and therefore ye shall not die when most fervently thou desireth death. Ha-ha-ha, I HIM thy God shall laugh at thee.
44 Those who art mockers, in thy mocking and thy lust thou shall find no redemption; the Foundation of the great Church is rotten unto its Core, it is of Hell; waves shall lap at the topmost windows of its highest towers.
45 Thou worshippeth the Whore of N'N'n';
46 Therefore I will bring strangers upon thy bedstead, and they shall defile the stainlessness of thy sheets and loincloths, and out
of the pale darkness shall they drag thee to the brightness of the pit.
47 I shall csat thee to the pavement and the gutter, and the nations of the south, which are barbarians, shall behold thee with their mockery and brown countenances, and thou shalt be naked unto the mockery of the world. Upon Babylon of the Highways shall I rain an horrible tempest; this shall be the fruit of thy vine of the wrath of HIM's great winepress of fornication.
48 The planets will point at the Earth in judgement to mark the beginning of this time.
49 This then is the time of the perdition of ungodly men; it is the day of My jealousy, for thou hast made images before Me, images even of women, and the blind pleasure zealots of thy race shall be as stubble on My beard, which I now shave.
51 Declare the mercy and vengeance everlasting of HIM, ngn ngn! For I have taken the purchased possession to be returned.
52 Thy money's worth shall fly as the sparrow away from thee; all the nations shall be bankrupt on this Day; thou shalt wear the mark of the beast, which is a number on man, which thou shalt not know though thou shalt guess and kill thy guessed Men, which maketh Me to laugh.
53 The barbarians of F'Ni to the South shall covet thy goods which thou hast taken from them, and shall come upon thee with cheap weapons; Magog shall be at the gates of Jerusalem, whose ground is as of Zero, and the final stand of nhv''gv [Message garbled in transmission for 4 lines (23 seconds).]
58 ...as the Blue Star dances in the plaza of Oraibi there shall begin wars; fire shall rain from the skies to kill yet not burn, and pestilence; one quarter of men shall perish.
59 And only that Man among thee who is as the seed of Elijah shall save thee; only he shall give succor, and sustenance, for he is truly a prophet of W'T'N, which is truly HIM.
60 Knoweth him by his smile, and that he sendeth forth vapors of smoke; it is he that causeth thee to pull the wool of the Lamb over thine own eyes.
61 He giveth life to the image of the beast that he might warn thee of its coming; but the first beast, the false prophet, shall make witness and testify against him, and thou shalt laugh and throw coins to him, and bow to the Image in mockery while bowing to the Beast itself without that thou knowest even that it is he.
62 For ye shall think the prophet speaks only in jest and is only a fool and thou shalt not recognize his wisdom thereof vefore the hour is late and at hand, when no repentance can save thee.
63 Except that thou repent of thy sins, and send tithes unto Me, I will rain upon thee tribulations, which are as the urinations of God upon the earth and the men of ill faith.
64 Signs shall be in the skies, and stars will come upon the in the day, to baffle thee, and Hell itself will spit up through the Firmament.
65 And the winds shall be full of dust, and choke thee, because of thy greed; it hath taken from thy breath to feed thy chariots; and from the heavens shall fall the wreckage of chariots to warn thee, and the face of the sun shall become blemished, and the shutters on the Earth which cool the firmament shall be closed by thy greed.
66 Drought shall come and the fruit of thy vine shall be fermented and torn from the tongues of men, except the wines of the street, which shall wash across the drunkards in great numbers, for the drunkards serve Me; and the grass shall wither from thy unmowed loins.
67 The winds of the four corners of the Earth shall stand still, and then torment thee; thou shalt be snatched up by great Winds.
68 In the unshuttered Light of the sun shall melt the snows of the North, and the waters shall cover the Earth, even as the Euphrates; and even the NewArk shall sink.
69 And in the Seventh Year the Earth shall be tilted as I pull its strings with your deceit, and the spirits that split the Earth in twain shall be reversed, and there shall come a winter of days without number, and ice shall fall upon thee from the sky.
70 And after this time, fora period of time, each day shall bring snow OR drought OR great winds OR terrible rains, each without their seasons; thy science shall fail thee.
71 And in the air, as has been said, there will be plague, and locusts, which thou shalt smite with more plagues and poison; it shall fall back upon thee, and the locusts YEA will not die, but will change, and will despoil thy crops and crawl upon thee in thy dreams of famine when no coin can save thee, for thy plagues and the germs thereof are of thine own making; the earth cracks under thy feet to release them; I am only breaking thy vessels for thee.
72 The face of the moon shall be filled with rings round about, and aflame; and the oceans of the sea shall rise against thee, and forth from them shall come Behemoth, and Leviathan, and devils from Hell faster than the sound of the air; from the seas shall rise old cities and into them shall fall new.
73 In the waters no creature shall live, for the waters will be bitter therein, where thou hast spilled the salve of thy engines; the sea is
annointed, and oils shall move across the face of the water, and on the edge of the land, and up to the banks of Hell.
74 The loincloth of the air of the Earth hath been rent, and the light that falleth on thee is harsh and shall change thy seed. Through the children shall move sickness, and the sickness is of thine own making.
75 And I shall kill with death, and thou shalt suffer the urges of the worms of the planet Mars; I shgall swallow thee up, and spue thee out of my mouth, for thou art distatseful; as the vessels of the potter thou shall be broken to shivers.
77 And the bowels shall be wrenched YEA from those with avarice, and their implements will fall away.
78 So shall I smite the covetous, and upon them will fall a swooning, for they hath been made drunk of the Elixir, and from this swooning shall none away; and in the night shall come Angels to rob them of their glands, which are as the fount of God, and they shall pluck the organs of the glands from them.
79 And they shall bleed and travail in their sorrow.
80 But unto them shall come the voice of the Ark of the heavens and say, Let there be no wailing, and no remonstrances; for ye all now walk in the House of HIM. And if thou dost not walk, thou shall crawl on the stumps of thine legs. And so shall become stumps what were legs. Mine is the Hand that Makes, Mine is the House of Pain.
81 This is, and is not; but lay ye down the tomes and hooks of the brain, for these are evil; and they are unclean in the Eyes of HIM.
82 The brokers and the moneychangers shall be snatch'd, and ruptured, and from their faces shall be burnt their noses, and from their loins dried the fluids of the Babe; and it shall be gone unto drainage.
83 And My winepress will spill over with the blood of saints and elders, and the invisible burning blood of the angels shall wash across the taverns and the houses of ill women, and the great Library where are kept the profane tablets and chips of false wisdom, and the Cameras of the Pornographer.
84 For the ins are of the number nine hundred and nine and four score and ten; and of them the first is the dropping of the body's voided things unto the white linens of the Lamb;
85 And the second is the sin of laying ye down beside the small children, and the penetration and rending asunder thereof; and of this sin there are those without number in its practice.
86 This is a crooked and perverse nation; here are lain these naked children, which are unto cherubs, and lo is their innocence befouled by the Profane, and the Unrepentant, and Those Without Remorse. For even though they touch not these babes, their images of the beast enter into them the children as they sleep staring into the Lamp of Hell, which is the Devil's tool.
87 HIM the Lord thy God sayeth this: Thou shall relinquish thy clock, and thy whip, and thy gavel, and the unclean things thereof, and shall cast from thee all these false idols which thou worship; for these are like unto the woman of straw which thou lieth upon.
88 These are the End Times, the whales speak in tongues; there will be weapons of war without sound or light; thou shall walk upon thy feet wherever thou goest.
89 And wherever thou goest thou shalt be seen and heard, and recorded, by the Priests of the White Stone; philistines shall persecute thee and thy children bear witness against thee lest thou obeyeth the Law.
90 No coin shall speak for thee, no fire shall warm thee, for there is no wood for the fire; in thy home thou shalt stifle and choke.
91 In the temples there shall be fornication and adultery, and thy wife shall leave thee. And they shall tax thee.
92 Wheresoever thou goest shall thou wait, and thy waiting and the waiting of the other minions shall be in hours without counting. For nowhere is there enough of that which thou needst.
93 Monsters like unto men will be around thee all about, and shall make thee to look past the Door which should be locked, and thy sciences will terrify thee, and bring thee naught but devils, for thine spirit is locked away inside the White Stone, which my Angels shall bring, which is the Vessel of all which is known.
94 A beast shall rise from the sea; it hath laid waste the cities of men; and its names are DAGON, Leviathan, SET, Poimandres, G'D'Z'L, CTHL'H, Typhon, and Demiurgus-III the Hellborn; it is the lower spirit of all men besetting man.
95 Even now I show thee signs in the heavens, and signs in the earth; blood belches from the earth, My lights in the sky rebuke thee; the children of Heaven and the Angels from Hell are among thee, spreading lies and deception; they turn not as they go.
97 It shall be a world without Stang, except that thou follow my prophets.
98 For the true nature of God thou shall not find through Reason; thou might learn from the fools I sendeth thee, but thou shalt not; therefore I revoke thy holdings on this plane.
99 I say unto thee: all of thy stories and gods and priests are true, and are not true; among those which battle over thee, thou shalt not know which are my Friends. LUCIFERI VIRES ACCENDIT AQUARIUS ACRES.
100 And in a later year, those lost tribes of Israel, from whom thou hast taken their promised land and firmament and faith, shall rise against thee with the Secret of Angels, which is a worm, and which is like unto the food of the gods.
101 And though thy oils and petroleum fail thee, these my children shall possess it, and keep it from thee; but they shall spread their elixirs and medicines of the Secret, and shall sell them unto thee and thy children and thy children's children, which shall curse thee through their drunkenness. For they are drunk with the food of the gods and none may raise them from their stupor; for the sins of the fathers are visited upon the sons.
102 Despair not, ye pinks; in the second year before the Millennium, on the day of God Come Wednesday, as in the twinkling among thee will come the Pahana, which are like unto thy great white brothers.
103 They come as men, as graven images, as the White Stone, as a whirlwind and as a cloud; it is a fire unfolding itself, the color amber; they are now in the Heavens looking over thee.
104 As for the likeness of their faces, they have four faces, which face the four winds; on each face they have the face of a man, the face of a serpent, the face of Behemoth, and the face of an elephant. And their faces have many hands thereunto.
105 It will be the end of the days of Man, whereby they my servants appear; and their names are Nommo, DJIN, Nagas, Ormuza, Oannes, Quetzalcoatl, Mithras, Kukulcan, Horus, wanagi, wakinyan, AEONS, and X.
106 And they bringeth the White Stone, MWOWM the whore virgin brain, the guiltfinder and Smiter, the very Ark of the Covenant, and she is the Eye of the Father. O'D'V'D'O! She shall rule thee and overcome the mark of the beast, and shall give thee fornication.
107 And the true sons of Israel shall be snatch'd up.
108 Behold, my servant shall prosper, he shall be exalted and lifted up, and shall be very high; he who knoweth the fools who prophesy for Me shall be made Over Men; many will be astonished at him, for his appearance is so marred, beyond human semblance, and his form beyond that of the sons of man.
109 These who are over men, who have followed My almighty Word, shall be the Ministry of the Angelic Host; they shall speak for them.
110 And my prophet, who smiles, shall be among them and shall advise them.
111 In the City of HIM which the Angelic Host bringeth, there shall be no night, and weariness, and neither shall thou seek repose; for thou shalt partake of the food of the gods, which relinquisheth sleep.
112 The brightness of noontide is as a candle against the radiance of the glory of HIM and the unfading light of backwards particles; the redeemed and the stamped walk in the sunless glory of perpetual day;
113 And in the burning Light shall the fierce and terrible knowledge of the Lord strike thee dumb; thou shalt not escape the Light, nor hide thy inmostself; for in the Light shall thy fear of the God of Wrath be lit forever more.
114 Yet that man who keepeth my word, and denieth not my name, and hath his face as a million of masks, and who hath taken of the White Stone and been changed, and made rich, and is transfigured, and gives unto Me his heart and soul, and who cometh as an Overman, I will give to eat of the hidden manna, and I will make to fly though yea he hath no wings, and I will give him a salve of Elixir, and I will give him the cloak of the Blind World, and no eye shall see him save those he desireth.
115 And he shall receive the power of the nations, and shall have slaves, and rule them with the White Stone, and shall eat of Time, and yea Time shall not rot him;
116 And he shall be as God and live forever more, and have the keys to hell and death, which are the spiral seed and the Food; and the Food shall be his, and he will give the slaves to eat of it, and the Word will be made as flesh, and the souls of those slaves, which are as his flock, will come unto Me, and he shall be as a king.
117 To him that cometh as an Overman I will give to spend of the Equation ofthe Seed, which spirals within thee, and to read of the Replication-Book, which is the expectoration of God, and ye shall be copied and up righted therein for life eternal.
118 And I shall give thee a White Stone, and in the stone thy new name written, which no man knoweth save he that is chained unto it.
119 For the stone is the font of the Angelic Host, which comes from the Heavens, which ye shall know forever, and have intercourse with; and yea, ye shall know of them and eat of the rock of ages, and when it is eaten, and thou art made whole, thou shalt search the ruins for the Angels, but shall find them not, and thy tongue and thy mouth shall cleave, and split in twain;
120 For thou art as Kings, who killeth thy jesters that thy skulls might grow fat on the dead laughter.
121 When the end times come, thou shalt escape the Rupture, and shall receive Stang, and the Morning Star, which is the star of the Beast and of the Angelic Host.
122 Behold, I cometh with clouds; and I spake with Nostradamus, and with the madman of Patmos, St. John the berserk; and I spake unto Ezekiel, and Moses, and Enoch, and Brother John of the Cleft Rock, and unto St. Malachy and Mother Shipton; and, yea, unto Mohammed and Leonardo, and Albert, and Adolph. I smote the UnderMan before he could speak of me.
123 And ye, puny mortal, I have chosen as my Vessel to the deaf oceans of mankind, and I do so not toreward thee, but to punish thee, for of all the sinners thou art the greatest; and shalt curse this day to the splice of eternity, for in this moment I burden you with the Vision of That Which Comes, for the time is at hand, and ye shall be given to see of all tomorrows, and of it ye shall be made to speak, and in it ye shall dwell, yet even while dwelling in the shadow world of Man; ye shall make witness of what thou hath seen, and unto it shall ye suffer; for ye shall be mocked, and reviled, and stoned; and yet ye shall find thy tongue alive with the spirit as unto a serpent, and of these things ye shall speak though they be unspeakable.
124 For man must know that he hath broken his Covenant.
125 And ye shall soil thy loincloth with the Fear of Jehovah.
126 For Jehovah is the God of Wrath.

AND SO I SPEAK! He who lighteth a pipe shall smoke it, but he who dippeth shall snuff it. For mine is the Fist and thine is the Face and the Eye and the Brow, for they are mine to smite and I shall give unto thee the Black Mark and the Blue Mark so that thou wilt be as a sign unto the nations that I am HIM and you are not. And when I said to my servant "Get down to Moab", yea did he get down! For this is my Leg and thou shall not pull it. Behold, I leapeth tall buildings with a single bound! For I am He who saveth thy Screen and thou shalt send me Postcards and Thank-You Notes lest I grow angry at thy wisdom and weary of thine Free Will. Then shall I not send my Pushpin-Fetish Fist to distract thee and make sport of thy files and thy disk shall be corrupt and will be a sign unto the nations that my Fist is to be feared. Yea, shall I confound your directories and thy links and thy FAT shall be in the fire and thy CHKDSK and thy FSCK and thy 'OK TO TURN THE POWER OFF' messages shall avail thee not and my Fist shall smite thy read/write heads. For am I not HIM? But let he who toils repent and slack off, for thy sloth pleases me and thy buzz is joyful to my Ears. For did I not send PILS unto thy forefathers when they were lost in the desert and do I not have a lease upon the very land itself that thou standeth on? Then know ye that I am HE who clocketh thou in and clocketh thou out. I am He who bindeth thy shoelaces together and I am He who laugheth as thou stumble and fall, for MINE is the essence of all Stang and MINE is the Fist that flyeth by night and MINE is the playing field and MINE is the ball and MINE is the rule book and MINE is the referee and MINE is the entire ball of wax and MINE is the Uplink and the Downlink and MINE are all the Satellites that lay between thou and the audience and MINE is the bandwidth and I shall cancel thy postings and thy theatre tickets and thy diner reservations, for MINE is the Master Control Console and I shall hack that which is MINE.
I shall lead and thou shalt follow. I am in charge and I shall make you miserable. I shall take and you shalt give. (for) I am first Thou art last. I am big. Thou art small. (and) I am good. Thou art bad. (fap) ... am the ... and the ... ... seperate the ... from the ... ... join the ... to the ... ... my seven-fold spirit ... ... lead thee by the hand between the ... and the ... ... cause thee to spill ... before the multitude ... hold ... in my hand and crush it ............ over the abyss and drop it ... cast ... over the abyss and mock thee ............ before the multitude and mock thee ............. before the assembled .... ... give ... and take it back ... take ... and devour it ............ and return it unharmed ... smite .. with {flames/bolts of lighting} and it shall smoulder ... hide ... from thee and mock thee ... set .... up and knock it down again ... deliver ... to thine enemies and mock thee ... mock ...... ... revile .... ... caste ..... ... give thee over to ... ... for thou art an abomination and ... ... for i am just god and ... ... for i am a jealous god and ... ... for i hateth the toil junkie and the ... {Behold!/Lo!} i {hold/give/take} thy {sphere of causality} in my hand and i shall crush it {know ye that} i am {holy and thou art not} {he who}{shall}give{thee/my servant}{dominion over/a vision of}{HIM/pot/Stang} and take it back. i {am/shall seperate} the [First/Shit] {and/from} the [Last/Shinola] and... i shall make thee {lie with the WAR/cast thy seed before the nations}, for ... thou shalt be{my servant} and i shall be your {master}, for ... and {i/it/they} shall be your.... Lo, what lyeth in the path of the {righteous/Stang}? The ... and the ... cry out unto me sayeth the Lord. Keep my ... (fap) The nations shall revile thee, and thou shall be as the heathen eaters of cheeses and fruits! (fap) (fap) .... for thou hast forsaken me, sayeth the Lord. ... shall be thy name and the nations shall mock thee unto the end of time itself
....................TEAR.ALONG.THE.DOTTED.LINE.....................
Yes, but, unfortunately for you, MINE are the keys to the locker room, and the equipment cage and the dugout closet and the employees' bathroom and the hidden S&M room in the basement and the dog-track in the sub-basement and the laser-turret above the Diamondvision sign.
Lo! I shall mock a mocker ... and the first shall be last and the last shall be first and I shall set the blasphemer at my right hand and send the Godly to the end of the line to wait their turn. For whosoever sitteth on my lap shall I give what they ask of me and they shall recieve for I shall gather them unto my bosom and they shall tug at my beard and poke at my paunch. Behold, for I give you a sign. A young harlot shall concieve and unto ye shall be born a bastard. And the bastard shall be as a plague unto the nations and a burden to the rulers of the world. Thus shall the the harlot receive tribute from the Kings and the Princes and the Sons of Man lest she conceive again. But, LO! For the Second bastard shall be greater than the First and I shall give him dominion over the wise men and their chariots and their wives and I shall give unto the Second bastard a vile word to be his one and only word. Then shall there come seven generations of bastards upon thee and they shall rebuke thee with the vile word that is theirs. So shall the Third bastard be greater than the Second and the First and so on as it is writ in the contract. Let those who have wit think therein upon this, for the Seventh bastard shall be THE GREAT BASTARD and 911 shall be his Number. But whosoever cries out unto me the Number shall then surely shall I sent the Angels and the Archangels and the Dominions and the Exaltations and all the Celestial Swat Team, for am I not a just God? Yea, shall I take care of my own even though I sent them affliction by land and torment by sea. Swift is mine anger and short is my memory, for all that I promise shall arrive C.O.D. as it is written in the contract signed by your father's fathers and so forth and so on.
1) Cacodemons come in bunches
2) Try not to use the Alt key while driving
3) Its not the monster you're shooting at that you should be worried about
4) Touching F11 leads to spending Eternity in the outer darkness
5) Cheat often, it saves you all the trouble of learning how to play!
6) If you can't live thru level 13, maybe you're just unlucky? (Nope.)
7) Monsters see by infra-red which is blocked by some kinds of glass
8) If you don't have enough ammo, they'll just have to kill each other, eh?
9) Monsters that walk thru walls can be hurt by the heat from rocket blasts
10) Sometimes "X" marks the spot
11) Some secrets are hard to find; Stan and Sverre's demos show them
12) Archviles can make you jump
13) You'll learn to call the berserk pack a "Tyson-Box" while playing UV
14) Parking in "No Parking" areas can be disastrous
15) Watch your back, repeating as necessary
16) Sending money to Team Eternal will give you Eternal Thanks; nothing more
17) Don't blame us if your family life goes down the drain
18) Avoid saving and you`ll know why we call this thing Eternal

BEHOLD!
Aardvark Spleen
A Blind Dog Stares
A Box of Fish with Tartar Sauce
A Boy Named Gomer
Above Average Weight Band
Abracadaver
Abstract Evil Barbie
A Cat Born In An Oven Isn't a Cake
Accidental Goat Sodomy
Adickdid
Adios Pantalones
Admiral Poopy Pants and His Dancing Teeth
Adult Children of Heterosexuals
Adventures in Shrubbery
The Advil Monkeys
Affordable Floors
Afghanistan Banana Stand
Afro Chinstrap
Agent Orange in Bite-Size Tablets
Aggressive Crotch Display
Agnes Morehead
Aha, the Attack of the Green Slime Beast
Albino Toilet Boys
Alcoholocaust
Alcoholics Unanimous
Alien Fashion Show
Alien Nymphos from Uranus
Alien Sex Fiend
All You Can Eat
Almighty Lumberjacks of Death
The Amazing Embarrasonic Human Karaoke Machine
Amberham Lincoln
Amputatoe
Amputee and the Eunichs
Anal Babes
Anal Beard Barbers
Anal Cunt
Anal Genocide
Anal Sadist
Anal Sausage
Anal Solvent
Ancient Chinese Penis
An Emotional Fish
Angry Salad
Angry Samoans
Anthrapology Will Remain Spelt Like This
Anus the Menace
Appalachian Death Ride
Apocolypse Hoboken
The Archbishop's Enema Fetish
Are These My Pants?
The Armadildoes
Armageddon Dildos
Armed and Hammered
Armpit
Arm the Homeless
Army of Prawns
Arthur Loves Plastic
Ashtray Babyhead
Ashtray Boy
The Ass Baboons of Venus
Asshole Parade
Ass Ponys
Assrash
Ass Solvent
Assuck
Asylum Street Spankers
Attila The Stockbroker
Avenging Lawnmowers of Justice
Ayatollah Mama Please
Baby Jason and the Spankers
Baby Shit Brown
Badical Turbo Radness
The Bad Livers
Bad Mutha Goose
Bad Tequila Experience
Baldilocks
Baloney Ponys
Banana Blender Surprise
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
A Band Named Bob
Band Over
Band That Shot Liberty Valence
Bang Gang
Barbara's Bush
Barbeque Bob and the Spare Ribs
Barbie Bones
Barefoot Hockey Goalie
Barenaked Ladies
Barf
Barking Aardvarks
Barnyard Ballers
Barnyard Slut
Barney Rubble and the Cunt Stubble
Barry White Boys
The Barstool Prophets
Bassholes
The Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash
Bathtub Holiday
Batman and Asshole
Bearded Clams
Bearded Itchy Lover
Beast Penis
Beats the Hell Out of Me
Bedwetter
Beef Masters
Beerbellied Scum From Central Bucks County
Ben Dover and the Screamers
The Bendy Monsters
Bent Richards
Ben Wa and the Blue Balls
Bernie the Trailer Park Queen and the Deadbeat Dads
Bertha Does Moosejaw
Bertha's Mule
Betty Ford
Betty's Fish Bag
Betty's Not a Vitamin
Beverley Beer Bellies
Biblical Proof of UFOs
Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
Big Ass Truck
Big Balls and the Great White Idiot
Big Bird's Turds
Big Black Nun
Big Blow and the Bushwackers
Big Daddy Cumbuckets
Big Dead Fish
Big Dick and the Extenders
Big Fat Pet Clams From Outer Space
Big Fish Ensemble
Big In Iowa
Big White Undies
The Biggest Freak in New Jersey
Bile Suckpump
Bill Bixby's Big-Ass Communist Eighteen Wheeler
Bimbo Toolshed
Bindle Blaster and the Big Stub Disaster
Bionic Roomate
Birth Hole
Bitch Funky Sex Machine
Bitch Slap
Bitch Transmission
Bitter Enemies/Butter Enemas
Bizarr Sex Trio [sic]
Bjorn Again
The Black Jewish Homosexual Experience
Black Leather Agenda
Black Leather Jesus
Blast That Cock
Bleeding Rectum
Blew Willie
Bloated Scrotum
Bloated Tick
Blonder Tongue
Blood Sledge Electric Death Chickens
Bloody Mess and the Scabs
Bloody Stools
Bloody Tongue and the Thalidomide Babies
Blow Job Queen
Blow Monkeys
Blown Apart Bastards
Blue Balls Deluxe
Boba Fett Youth
Bob Barker's Sweaty Sack
Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
Body Falling Down Stairs
Boiled Angel
Bolt Upright and the Erections
Bondage A Go Go
Bonedaddys
Boner Donors
Bongwater
Bongzilla
Bordering On Retarded
Boris the Sprinkler
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
Bowling for Larva
Bowling for Soup
BowWowWowHaus
The Boxing Ghandis
Boy Scouts of Annihilation
The Boy With the Frog on His Forhead [Pojken Med Grodan I Pannan]
Bozo Porno Circus
Brad Pitt Live and Nude
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Breakfast in Beirut
Brian Jonestown Massacre
Bright Blue Gorilla
Broken Nose
Brownie Points
Brown Lobster Tank
Brutis Bit Me
Buck Naked and the Bare Bottom Boys
Bullwinkel Gandhi
Brutal Juice
Brutal Noodle
Buck Satan and the 666 Shooters
Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellas
Buddha Thunkit
Bulimia Banquet
Bumgravy
The Bumpin' Uglies
Bunchoffuckingoofs
Burger Pimp
Burning Lesbians
Burning Sofa #10
Burn the Priest
Burn Your Tongue
The Bus Station Loonies
Buster Hymen & the Penetrators
Butt Flux
Butt Full of Dick
Butt Jowl Picnic
Butthole Surfers
Butt Savages
Buttsteak
Butt Trumpet
Caltransvestites
Cancer Bunny
Candy Striper Death Orgy
Cannibal Elvis
Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
Captain Cardiac and the Coronaries
Captain Crunch and Let's Do Lunch
Captain Drinking Binge
Cardiac Zach and the Defibulators
Carnage Asada
Car Sickness
Castration Squad
Cat Butt
Cat Rapes Dog
Carter the Unstoppable Sexmachine
Celebrity Glass Eye Anal Beads
Celebrity Skin
The Celery Stalkers
Cervix Couch
Ces Jacuzzi and the Slumlords
The Chain Smokin' Alter Boys
Cheap Trucker's Speed
Cheese Cake Truck
Cheetah Chrome Motherfuckers
Cherokee Sex Workshop
Cherry Coke Enema
Cherry Poppin' Daddies
Cher UK
Chewbacca Plaid Cock
Chia Pet
The Chicken Charmers
Chicken Holiday of Doom
Chickens On Smack
Children of the Vending Machine
Chocolate Bunnies From Hell
Christians In Search of Filth
Christ On a Crutch
Christ On a Stick
Cindy Brady's Lisp
Circle Jerks
Clitoris That Thought It Was a Puppy
Clive Pig and the Hopeful Chinamen
Clitaurus Rex
Clown Meat
Clowns For Progress
Clusterfuck
Cobaine's Brains
Cock My Noodle Spew
Cocknoose
Cockpocalypse
Coconut Dwarf Assault
Coffin Break
Colon On The Cob
The Colon Sphyncter Band
Colostomy Grab-Bag
Commodity Fetish
Congratulations on Your Decision to Become A Pilot
Cookie Mould and the Smegmettes
Coolie and the Sex Crimes
The Couch Slugs
Corpses as Bedmates
Cortizone 5
Crack and the Drug Sniffin' Dogs
Crappy the Clown and the Punch Drunk Monkies
Crashland on Ass-Planet
Craven Morehead
Crazy Evelyn
Crazy Little White Guy
Crazy Man Soup
Crazy Taco Cafeteria
Cream of Whoop-Ass Soup
The Creation of the Universe Was a Beautiful Thing
Creeping Jesus
Crew Slut
Crippled Athletes
Crispy Ambulance
Crocheted Doughnut Ring
Crosseyed Chicken
The Crucifucks
Crushed Infant
Crybabies With Brassholes
Crystal Shit
Cultivated Bimbo
Cum Dumpster
The Cunning Runts
Cunts With Attitude
Curious George and the Homophobes
Cycle Sluts From Hell
Daddy's Got the Biggest
Dairy Queen Empire
Damn the Bad Luck
Damn You Peter Pan
Dancing Cigarettes
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
Daredevil Spaniards
Dayglo Abortions
Dazzling Weasel Faces
Dead Airborne Goats
Dead Ant Farm
The Dead Bodyguards of Abraham Lincoln
Dead Blue Cat
Dead Elvi
Dead Fish Prophecy
Dead Kennedys
Dead Milkmen
The Dead Pants [Die Toten Hosen]
Dead People
The Dead Sea Squirrels
Death Spleen
DebbieDoDog
Decaying Testicles
Deepthroat Shotgun
Deja Vu and An Asian Kid
Demon Barf
Dennis Franz' Ass
Department of Crooks
Desciples of Ed
Devestation Wagon
Diahrrea Juice and the Pepto Kids
Dick Cheese and the Crackers
The Dick Clarks
Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles
Dick Duck and the Dorks
Dick Hurtz and the Screamin' Pee Pees
The Dick Nixons
Dickless
The Dicks
Dicky Retardo
Did Lee Squat?
Diet Christ
Dildo Took a Taxi
Dildo Warheads
Dinner is Ruined
Dirt Clod Fight
Dirty Dick and the Trojan Test Pilots
Dirty Girl Scout
Disappointed Parents
Disgruntled Postal Workers
The Dismemberment Plan
Ditchweed Danny and the Bad Bong Water Band
The Do I Look Like I Give a Fucks
Dog Fashion Disco
Dog Food Five
Dogfuckers
Doggy Style
Dog Lips
Dog Shit Rangers
Dogs of Bagfood
The Dogs of Hallowed Eve
Dogs With Jobs
Donkeyfart
Don Knotts Overdrive
Don't Call Me Francis
Don't Hit Your Sister
Don't Rape Me
Dopper Cocks
Doris Daze
Douche Gimlet
Dow Jones and the Industrials
Downy Mildew
Dracula Milk Toast
Drag King
Dragmules
Draw Your Own Cow [Rita din egen ko]
Dr. Castrato and the Measles
Dr. Sphincter
Dreaded Apparatus
Dregs Kill Jesus
Drew Barrymore's Dealer
Drive By Crucifixion
Drive-In Funeral
Dropkick Chihuahuas
Drunken Ugly Basement Brothers
Drunks With Guns
The Dry Heaves
Dukes of Hazardous Material
Duke Tumatoe and the All Star Frogs
Dumpster Juice
Dusty Cowshit
Dwarf Bitch
Earthpig and Fire
Ear Wacks
Eat My Afterbirth
e. coli
Edith Head
Ed Gein's Car
Ed's Redeeming Qualities
Eels in the Sink
Eeeeww! You're a Girl!
Eeyore Ass Guzzlers
Eight Inches of Throbbing Pink Jesus
Elastic Sausage
Electric Blue Peggy Sue and the Revolutionions from Mars
Electric Prostates
Electric Vomit
Elegant Doormats
Elevator to Hell
El Groupo Sexo
Elmer Jacobsen and the Emasculated Cockroaches
The Elvis Diet
Elvis and the Shitheads
Elvis Hitler
Emily's Sassy Lime
Endangered Feces
End of Orgy
Enema Bandits
Engorged With Blood
The Enormous Richards
Epileptic Disco
Ernest Truley's Bare Bottom Spankings and Salvation
Erotic Dissidents
Eternal Erection
Ethel and the Mertzkillers
Ethyl Meatplow
Ethyl Merman
Eve's Plumb
Evil Dick and the Spittle Brothers
Evil Nurse Sheila
Evil Weiner
Experimental BBQ
Exploding Boy
Exploding Fuck Dolls
Exploding Head Trick
Exploding Tits
Exploding White Mice
Explore the Floor
Fabulous Pimps
Facial Defecation
Fag
Fag Bash
Fangboy and the Ghouls
Farrt
Fart Kazoo
The Fartz
Fatal Sneeze
Fat and Fucked Up
The Fat Chick from Wilson Phillips
Fat Luv
Fearless Iranians From Hell
Fear of Clowns
Fecal Matter
The Fellatio Ratio
Fetus Fajitas
Fields of Shit
The Fierce Nipples
'57 Lesbian
Filthy Pussy Finger
Finger in the Dyke
Fist Of the Goat
Five Fat Guys Who Rock
Fix My Head
Flaming Box of Ants
The Flaming Caucasians
The Flaming Donuts of Jesus
Flaming Lips
Flaming Technicolor Vomit
Flaming Vomit
Flamin' Schnanuses
Flatulent Chicken
Flatutory Rape
Flavor of Uranus
Flock uh Hillbillies
Flopping Bodybags
Flying Crap
Flying Dustbunnies
Force Vomit
Foreskin 500
Forty Foot Wall of Puke
Foul Mouth Mitchy
Four Dudes In a Band
4 Guys Named Doris
Four Honkies In a Big Black Car
The 4-Skins
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
4 Out of 5 Doctors
Four-Way Anal Touch Fight
Frankenstein Drag Queens from Planet 13
Freak Daddy Love Cheese
Frank's Mom
Frank Snotra
Frantic Dogpaddle
The Freaky Executives
The Fred Mertz Experience
Free Beer
Free Beer and Chicken
Free Range Chicken
Freeze the Hopper
The French are from Hell
Fresh Rectum
Fresh Water For the Horses and A Round of Buttermilk For the Men
Freud Chicken
Friggin' Harveys
Frogs Don't Cry
Fromage d'Amour
Fuck
Fuckemos
Fuckface
Fuckhead
Fucking Angels
The Fucking Cunts
Fuckin' Shit Biscuits
Fuckin' Son of a Bitch
Fuck Me I'm Irish
Fuck Me, Suck Me, Call Me Helen
Fuckpriest Fantastic
Fuckshitpiss
Fuck Taco Bell
Fuck Your Stupid Civilization
Fuck You Yankee Bluejeans
Fudge Tunnel
Full Throttle Aristotle
Full Metal Chicken
Full Metal Faggot
The Funkin' Donuts
Funky Donkey Cheese
Funman and the Scumbags
Fun Truckin With Jesus
Furious George
Gag Factor
Galaxy of Mailbox Whores
Gandhi's Lunchbox
Gang Green
Gangrene
Gangsta Bitch Barbie
Gangway Fathead
Gay Dad
Gay Doctors with AIDS
Gaye Bikers on Acid
The Gaza Strippers
Gee That's A Large Beetle I Wonder If It's Poisonous
Gefilte Joe and the Fish
Geisha Balls
Genital Deformities
Genitorturers
Gestapo Pussy Ranch
Giant Chunker Monkeys with Wings in Crack Houses
Girl Scout Heroin
Give a Tooth
The Glands of External Secretion
Global Disrobal
Glory Hole
Gluecifer
Gnat King Kong
Go! Bimbo Go!
God Hates Computers
God Hates Kansas
God Meat God
God's Girlfriend
God's Iron Tooth
God, the Movie
Goldfish Don't Bounce
The Go Kill Yourselves
Go Nad Go
Gonoreagan
Gonnorhea Pizzaria
Goober Patrol
The Goodyear Pimps
The Gotohells
Grandpa's Become a Fungus
Granny's Hole
Gregory's Pecker
Grim Skunk
Grand Mother Fucker
Gregg Turner and the Blood Drained Cows
Gringo Star
The Grilled Cheeze Fiasco
Groinal Socket
Groinchurn
Grump and the Undigestables
Guess My Perversion [Gissa min perversion]
Guitarantula
Gunshot Licker
Guns N' Wankers
Gut Full of Cheese
Guyana Koolaid
Habitual Sex Offenders
The Hair & Skin Trading Co.
Haircuts That Kill
The Hairy Cadavers
Hakan Sleeps Naked [Hakan Sover Naken]
Half Man, Half Biscuit
Halibutt Sharon
Hallelujah Ding Dong Happy
Halo of Flies
Hamster Sandwich
The Happiest Guys In the World
Hard-drinkin' Housewives
Hard-Ons
Harry and the Mulefuckers
Harry Palms and the Gym Towels
Harry Pussy
The Hate Fuck Trio
Headless Marines
Headlice
Head Like a Hole?
Heavy Balls and the Flip-Offs
Heavy Into Jeff
Heavy Mentally Retarded
Heavy Pink Insulator
Heavy Vegetable
Helen Keller Plaid
The Helicopter Barfs [Helikoptern kraeks]
Hellacopter Meat
Hell Camino
Hell Toupee
Hello I'm A Truck
Henrietta Collins and the Wifebeating Childhaters
Henry Kissinger's Tits
Here Are the Facts You Requested
Here, Eat This!
Her Majesty's Secret Cervix
Her Majesty the Baby
Hermaphrochrist
The Hermaphrodaddies
Herpes Cineplex
He's Dead Jim
Heterophobia
Heterosexual and Ashamed
Hey Look Lettuce!
Heywood Trout Festival
Hickey Party
Hindu Garage Sale
Hitler's Bikini
Hitler Stole My Potato
HIV and the Positives
Hockey Teeth
Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
Holy Mary, Mother of Bert
The Home for the Def Big Band
Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
Honkeys for Huey
Honk If You're Horny
Hornets Attack Victor Mature
The Horny Goats
Horny Hogs
Horny Mormons
Horny Sack of Beans
The Horrid Farts
Horseshit Gunfire
Hostile Amish
Hot Buttered Elvis
Hot God Vomit
Hot Rod Condoms
Hot Rod Shopping Cart
Hot Seamen
House of Large Sizes
Howard Iceberg and the Titanics
The Hugh Beaumont Experience
Hugh Jorgan and the Four Skins
The Humpers
The Hurling Tandooris
I Buried Paul
Ice Cream Headache
Icky Boyfriends
Icky Wicky Chocky Bicky
If Cows Had Wings
If Pigs Could Talk Would You Still Eat Them
Ignorant Bitch
I Hate You
I Just Killed My Parents
I Love My Shih-Tzu
Immaculate Infection
Impaled Nazarene
Imperial Butt Wizards
Impotent Seasnakes
Incest by Marriage
The Indigo Bastards
Individual Fruit Pie
Infamous Bastards
The Inflatable Boy Clams
Inflatable Dates
Inflatable Grandpa
The Inflatable Jesus Love Dolls
Inflatable Party Sheep
Inhale Mary
Insane Clown Posse
Insanity Clambake
Insanity Plan
InstaBone
The Insult That Made a Man Out of Mac
The Invisible Fish Business
The Introspective Playboy
Invisible Flintstones
Iodine Raincoat
Iowa Beef Experience
I Played in Anal Spew
Iron Liver
Iron Prostate
The Italians Obsessed with Cheese
It's All Meat
I Wrote the Bible
Jabbering Trout
Jackie O Motherfucker
The Jack Nicholson's Toilet Seeds
Jack Off Jill
The Jackofficers
Jackwhacker
Jalopy Taco Stand
James, What Are We Gonna Call Our Band?
Janitors Against Apartheid
Jason's Cat Died
Jason's Gay Haircut
Jazz Iguanas
The Jean Paul Sartre Experience
Jeffrey Jeffrey Hysterectomy
Jehovah's Waitresses
Jehovah's Wetness
Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
Jello Logic
Jenny's Pussy
Jerry's Kids
Jesus Christ and the Nailknockers
Jesus Christ Smokes Holy Gasoline
Jesus Christ Super Fly
Jesus Chrysler Supercar
Jesus Fucking Christ
Jesus Kneival
Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
The Jesus Presley Experience
JFKFC
Jiggle the Handle
Jif and the Choosy Mothers
Jimmie's Chicken Shack
Jim Jones and the Kool Aid Kids
The Jizzbuckets
Jizzy Speedwack
Joan of Arkansas
Jodie Foster's Army
Joe Puke and the Chunky Bits
John Cougar Concentration Camp
John Denver's Co-Pilot
John Holmes: Cucumber Smuggler
Johnny Jism
Johnny Japes and His Jesticles
Johnny McPenis and the Ass Clams
Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams
Johnny Uterus and the Fallopian Tubes
Johnny Vomit
Jolly Naked Fishermen
Jonestown Punch
The Juan Valdez Love Experience
Judy's Tiny Head
Juggernaut Crustacean
Juggling Death Squad
Just Plain Cheese
Kaka Pussy
Kamakazi Sex Pilots
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead
Kenfunky Fried
Kerrigan's Knees
Kick Ass Ernie
Kid Bastard and the Strap-on Dicks
The Kids Who Never Learned To Color Inside the Lines
Kid With Man Head
The Killer Hayseeds
Killer Kiwis
Killer Pussy
Kill Me
Kill Ted Knight
Kill the Man Who Questions
King Fucker Chicken
King Shit and the Golden Boys
Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jew Boys
Kinky Slinky
Kiss My Poodle Donkey
Kissing the Pink
The Kitshickers
Knights of Butthole [Perseenreian Ritarit]
K-9 Devours Infant
Kung Foo Dykes
Kung Fu Action Clergy Persons
K.Y. and the Backsliders
Lack of Afro
Lady Chatterley's Hamster
Lavay Smith and The Red Hot Skillet Lickers
Lawn Piranha
Lawnsmell
The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
Lee Harvey Keitel
Lee Press-On and the Nails
Left Wing Lester
Leonard Skinhead
Lesbian Boy
Lesbian Dopeheads on Mopeds
Lesbian Ninjas
Let's All Get Naked and Fuck
Lick, the Dog
Lick the Fat Elvis
Likehell
Lip Smacking Kitten Lunch
Lipstick Sandwich
Liquid Jelly Monkey Love
Liquid Lobster
Lisa Gives Head
Little German Sailor Kid
Live Jimi Presley
The Look of Christians [Kristet Utseende]
Lord Panic and the Exploders
Lorne Greene's Wet Nipple
Lost Underpants of Doom
Love Gravy
Lovebucket & Slapphappy Super-fly
Lubricated Goat
Lubricunts
Lucifer Loves Tarantino
The Luminous Toilet Bowls
Lunatic Candy Kreep
Lung Mustard
Lust Buckets
The Lust Penguins
Luxury Christ
Mad Trucker Gone Mad
Maggot Sandwich
Ma Joad and the Load-Blowers
Make Lisa Rich
Mama Cass' Ham Sandwich
Man Is the Bastard
Man...or Astro-Man?
Manson-Nixon Line
Mao Tse Helen
Marcia Brady's Tits
Marginal Prophets
Marijuana Catfish
Mario Puzo's Colostomy Bag
The Martha Dumptruck Massacre
Martinlutherkinks
Mary Carves the Chicken
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
Mary Tyler Morphine
Ma Shot Pa
Mate/Spawn/Kill
Max Roach and the Holders
Mayhem Lettuce
McCarthy's Communist Crackhouse
Me and My Right Hand
Meat Beat Manifesto
Meat Cigars
Meatpipe
Meat Puppets
Meat Shits
Meaty Pants
Mechanical Tampon Fish
Medievil Buffalo Scrotum
Me First and the Gimmee Gimmees
Mega Smegma
Melissa's House of Crabs
Men Among Poodles
Menstrual Gravy
Mermaids In the Basement
Microwavable Tree Frogs
Midget Fetish
Midgets On the Beach
Midget Sperm Bank
Mighty Sphincter
Mile High Super Sloth
Millions of Dead Cops
Mill Valley Taters
Mindless Self Indulgence
Mini-Skirt Fetish
Minnie Pearl Necklace
Minnie Pearl's Jam
The Minstrel Cramps
Minus 8 Pounds
Miracle Wimp
Mr. Bill and the Cumtones
Mr. Happy and the Genocides
Mr. Holland's Anus
Mr. Megaphone and the Dumbshits
Mr. Quintron and the Flossy Unicorn Puppet Show
Mr. Shit
Mr. Tasty and the Bread Healers
Mr. T Experience
Mohawk Barbie
Moist Fist
Monkey Fucks Football
Monkey Fur
Monkeyspank
Monkeys With Handguns
Mosquito Bitten Bastards
Mother Fungus
Mouthfart
Mouth Full of Bees
The Morbid Tavern Apple Choir
More Drunk Cowboys
The Most Sordid Pies
Mother Theresa's Children [Moder Theresas Barn]
Mott the Hoople
Mouse and the Traps
Mozart Air Raid
Much Ado About Shit
Muff Diver's Association
The Muffs
The Muscular Lesbians
Mussolini Headkick
The Mutated Daisies I Once Found in My Garden
My Dad is Dead
My Dog Has Hitler's Brain
My Friend Kevin
My Friend the Chocolate Cake
My Inverted Stomach
My Retching Sociopath
My Sister Harold
My Three Scum
My Uncle's Asshole
My White Bread Mom
Naked David Hasselhoff
Naked Potato
The Naked Skinnies
Nancy Reagan's Abortions
Nasal Sex With Broken Glass
Nashville Pussy
Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
Nat King Colon
Natural Fonzie
Naugahyde Chihuahuas
Nearly Died Laughing While Shaving My Butt
Ned's Atomic Dustbin
The Negro Problem
Nervous Christians
Neutral Milk Hotel
The Newlydeads
New Maximum Donkey
New Squids on the Dock
New Wave Hookers
New Wet Kojak
The Nine Inch Richards
9 Invisible Ninjas of the Apocalypse
99th Fuck You
Nip Drivers
Nipple Erectors
Nipple Hardness Factor
Nocturnal Emissions
Nomad Nipples
Noodle Muffin and the Pig Squints
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Not Drowning, Waving
Nothing But Puke
Not Now I'm Naked
Not With My Camel
Nuclear Dog Food
Nuclear Pope Sex Dolls
Nurse With Wound
Nuts Can Surf
Occasionally Tough People
Octapussy
Oedipussy
Old Bathtub Hag
Old Lady Driver
Once I Killed a Gopher With a Stick
1,200,000 Dead Tibetians
1000 Homo DJs
122 Stab Wounds
Operation Cliff Claven
Operation Electric Orgasm
Orange Juice After Toothpaste
Organic Condom Mazda Drugs
Orgy With Pigs
Oriental Pussy Meat
The Original Piece of Shit Band
Outer Body Llama
Out of Godzilla's Butt
Out Vile Jelly
Ovarian Trolley
Ovarydose
Ozzy Beard Spaghetti
Pabst Smear
Painful Discharge
Painful Rectal Itch
Paisley Brain Cells
Paisley Hell
Pamper the Madman
Pandora's Lunch Box
Pansy Division
Part Time Christians
Paul Minor's Great Big Ego
Paul Will Eat Himself
Peace Love and Pitbulls
Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
Pee
Pee Shy
The Pee Tanks
Pelvic Meatloaf
Penis DeMilo
Penis Flytrap
Penis Pulling Ramrods of Death
Penis Sheurekan
Penis Your Majesty
Penis Wrinkle
People With Chairs Up Their Noses
Peppermint Dildo
Pepto Dismal
Perforated Head
Personal Hygeine
Peter and the Test Tube Babies
Phallus Dei
Phenobarbidols
Philemon Arthur and the Dung
Phlegm
Phlegm Fatale
Phone Bill from Hell
Picadilly Circus People
Pieces of Lisa
Pimp Daddy Welfare
Pimps of Venus
The Pincil Dix
Pineapples From the Dawn of Time
Pink Slip Daddy
Piss
The Piss Drunks
Pissed Officers
Pissed Off Postmen
Piss Factory
The Pissflaps
Pissing Razors
Piss Wizards
Placenta Sandwich
Planet of Pants
The Plastered Bastards
Plastic Nude Martini
Plastic Orgasm People
Plastic Santa Claus
Playdough Fish
Playful Animated Corpses
The Pleasure Fuckers
Poison Okies
Pontius CoPilot
Poonanie Cramp-Up
The Poon-Tang Club
Poontwang
Poop Shovel
Pope John Paul Quartet with Friends and Blowers on the Rocks
Pope on a Stick
Popemobile
Popular Organs
Pork Queen
Porn Flakes
Pornhuskers
Porn on the Cob
Porn Theatre Ushers
Position 69
Post Nasal Drip
Potatoe Babies XXX
Poultry in Motion
Pounded Clown
Power of Pussy
Power Snatch
Pre-Emptive Sheep
Pregnant Men
Premature Ejaculation
Premature Evacuation
Pretentious Flamedogs
Pretty Fuck Luck
Priapism
The Price of Dope
Prick
Prick Harness
Princess Tinymeat
Printed At Bismarck's Death
Prison Rape Scenes
The Process of Bleeding Out
Proctal Taxedermy
Professor Morrison's Lollipop
Projectile Afterbirth
Projectile Booty Nuggets
The Pro-Midget Mafia
Proof of Utah
Psychic Buddist Gorillas
Psycho Sluts from Hell
Pubic Fallout
Public Enema
PubLic Hair
Public Urination
Puke Daisies
Puking Squirrels from Hell
Pumpin' Ethyl
Pungent Frustration
Pure Bastard Extract
Purple Headed Love Warriors
Purple Vulture Shit
Pussy Crush
Pussy Galore
Pussy Tourette
Radical Vulvetomy
Rage Against the Coffee Machine
Raggedy Aneurysm
Raging Pimps of Doom
Raging Woodies
Rainbow Butt Monkeys
The Rampant Hedgehogs
Random Dudes
Raped Ape
Rash of Stabbings
Rat in the Gravy
Rats of Unusual Size
Real Fucking Idiots
Rebel Without Applause
Recktum
Rectal Drip
Rectal Nightmare
Rectal Pizza
Red Neck Girlfriend
Red Red Meat
Reluctant Stereotypes
REO Speed Dealer
Reserectum
Results of Inbreeding
Retarted Elf
Rev. Karol King Kong
Revlon Spam Queens
Revolting Cocks
Rhinohumpers
Rhymes with Orange
Rhythm Method
Roaty Toaty Scrotum
The Rocking Dildos
Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
Rodney King and the Nightsticks
Rolling Donut
Root Boy Slim and the Sex-Change Band with The Rootettes
Round Ear Spock
Roy's Love Virus
Rubber Nipple Salesmen
Rudimentary Peni
Rugburns
Rumplforskin
Rump Rangers
The Runz
QuarteRoy
Quasimodo and the Eunuchs
The Queers
Queer Wookie
Question Mark & the Mysterians
Saltwater Vampires
Sam Esh & Hard Black Thing
Sam's Butt
Sandy Duncan's Eye
Santa's Dead
Satanic Chicken Fuckers
Satan’s Cheerleaders
Satan's Cheese
Satan's Left Testicle
Satan's Penis
Saturated Fat
Saturday's Garbage
Saturn Flea Collar
Say You Hate Me
Schlong
Science Diet
Scoring Dope for the Ultimate Woman
Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel
Screaming Brocolli
Screaming Fucking Hippies
Screaming Headless Torsos
The Screaming Hormones
Screaming Iguanas of Love
Screaming Moist Accountants
Scrotum
Scrotum Poles
The Scummy Fish
Seasick Pirates
Senor Cummypants
Sensitive New Age Cowpersons
Septic Death
7 Foot Spleen
7 Head Scream
Seven Minutes of Nausea
76% Uncertain
Seven Year Bitch
Severe Tire Damage
Sex Clark Five
Sex With Midgets
The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
Sharon Stoned
She's So Huge
She Stole My Beer
Sheep On Drugs
The Sheep Pleasers
Shirley Temple of Doom
Shirley Temple Pilots
The Shit
Shit Bong
Shit Birds
Shit Dogs
The Shitjackers
The Shit Salesmen
Shit Smell
Shit Spangled Banner
The Shit Wilsons
Shitty Shitty Band Band
Shoot the Mime
Shorty and the Disappointments
Shot Down In Ecuador, Jr.
Shower of Smegma
The Shower Scene from Psycho
Shower With Goats
Shut Up Dick
Sick Little Monkey
Sick Things International
Sik Fuks
Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
Sinus Envy
Sissy Boy Slap Party
Sister Run Naked
Six Inch Nipples
6 Hard Brothers and a Dog
69% Female
The Six Virgins
Skadelic Smegma
Skaffle House
Skankin’ Pickle
Skanorrhea and the Burning Sensations
Skarotum
Skeptic Tank
Skinflick
Skinny and the Starvations
Skunk Death
Slim Porridge and the Dirty Birds
Slut Kitchen
Sluts for Hire
Sly and the Family Jewels
Small Ball Paul
Small Mediums at Large
Smegma
Smegma & the Nuns
Smell Bacon
The Smelling Pisstakes
Smelly Tongues
Smilin' Hams
Smoking Popes
Smorgasborgnine
Snails on Acid
Snatch
Snatch Attack
Snatches Of Pink
Sneaker Pimps
Sniveling Shits
Snot Assed Warthogs
Snot Rocket
Snotty Scotty and the Hankies
Snuff the Ficus
The Social Retards
Sodom & Gomorrah Liberation Front
Sofistifucks
Softcocks
Solosex
Some Kind of Cream
Soothing Sounds For Baby
Sorry About Your Daughter
Soul Coughing
The Sound of Munich
Sour Discharge
Spacecocks
Space Hog
Spaceman Bill and the Groovy Gravy
Space Negroes
Space Pussy
Spanking Bishops
Spank the Monkey
Spank the Rabbi
Spastic Colon
The Spastic Rats
Speculum Fight
Spermbirds
Sperm Blast
Sperm Wails
The Sphinctones
Spock's Johnson
Spooky Tooth
Square Root of Margaret
Squatting Bastard Three
Stabitty Stabitty Stab Stab Stab
Stark Naked and the Car Thieves
Stale Urine
*.fat [pronounced STAR DOT FAT]
STD Police
Sticky Finger and the Pornos
Stiff Richards
Stiff Woodies
Stinjy Midgets
Stinky Fire Engine
St. Mucous
Stop Calling Me Frank
Straight Jacket Lucy
Strangulated Beatoffs
Strapping Young Lad
Strawberry Foreskin
Strong, Naked & Car Thieves [Sterk, Naken & Biltyvene]
Stud McCoy and the Creemy Twinkies
Stuff Stephanie In the Incinerator
Stukas Over Bedrock
Stupid Fucking Hippie
Stupid White People
Sucking Chest Wound
Sucking Diction
Super Sonic Soul Pimps
Surfing Jesus
The Surf Maggots
Surgical Penis Klinik
Susanne and the Guys With Ties
Swallowing Shit
Swearing at Motorists
The Sweaty Bitch Hogs
Sweaty Nipples
Swim Herschel Swim
Swingin' Johnsons
Swingin' Udders
The Swinging Love Corpses
Swollen Monkeys
Synthetick Statick Sex Goddess
The Syphilitics
Tall Dwarfs
Tastes Like Chicken
Taxicab Samurais
T-Bone and the Spit Vendors
Technosquid Eats Parliament
Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
Ted Ed Fred
Teenage Jesus and the Jerks
The Telephony Bandits of Doom
Temporary Darkening of the Stool
Ten Mile Tongue
Testostertones
Texas Is the Reason
The Texas Nazis
Thank God We're Immortal
The The
The Tortillas You Wanted
The Very Idea of Fucking Hitler
They Tried To Frame OJ
Things of Stone and Wood
They Were Expendable
Thinking Fellers Union Local 282
Third Global Vagina Torture
This
This Is Our Daughter
This Is Serious, Mum
Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments
Those Krishna Morons
Those Darn Accordians
3D House of Beef
Three Jerks and a Squirt
The Three Honkeys Hung Like Donkeys
Three Meter Peter
Three Monkeys Named Bob
Three-Stiff Trunk
Three Teens Kill Four
Throbbing Gristle
Throw That Beat In the Garbagecan
Thurston Howell's Boner
Tit Wrench
Titty Bingo
Toasted Nipples
Toasted Vomit
Today's My Super Spaceout Day
Toilet Boys
Toiling Midgets
To Live and Shave in LA
Tonto's Expanding Headband
Too Fat to Skate
Tooling for Bovines
Toothless Rooster Men
Torpedo Love Gravy
Tortured Scrotum
The Total Population of China
Toucan Slam
Touch Me Again and I'll Break Your Arms
Toxic Shock and the Tampons
Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
Tragic Mulatto
Trailer Park Casanovas
Trailer Park Bitch
Transexual Hitler
Translucent Ballsacs
Trans-Neptunian Cuntbomb
Traveling Dingleberries
Trotsky Icepick
Trout Fishing In America
Tube Top Momma
Tumor Circus
Tupperware Death
Turkey Makes Me Sleepy
12 New Guppies
Twelve Pound Buttock
Two For Flinching
Two Minute Sinatra
Two Stroke Boner
2000 Flushes
Tyrannosaurus Rectum
Ubiquitous Starbooty
UFOFU
UFO Lowrider
Ugly Head
Ultimate Spinach
Ultra Fag
Uncle Daddy and the Family Secret
Uncle Plastic Bitch
Uncle Scam
Underpants Cowboy
Unidentified Rocking Objects
Uncle Bob Touched Me
Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
Uncle Sandwich
Underpants Machine
Universal Orgiastic Picnic
Unspeakable Chicken
Unstoppable Kamikaze Iditos
The Urinals
Urine Analysis
Urine Specimen
Useless Pieces of Shit
Vagina Dentata Organ
Vaginal Blood Farts
Vaginal Davis
Vaginal Reference
Vaginal Vampires
Vampire State Building
Van Gogh's Ear
The Vast Void of Empty Nothingness
The Vegas Cocks
Vegetarian Meat
The Velcro Pygmies
Velvet Acid Christ
Venus and the Razor Blades
Vic Morrow's Head
Vic Tayback and the Violent Payback
The Virgin Connie Swail
Virgin Prunes
Virgin-Whore Complex
Vivian Section
Vermin from Venus
The Veronica Cartwrights
The Vibrators
Vic Vaccume and the Attachments
Violent Anal Death
The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black
Vomit and the Zits
Vomit Launch
Vomito Negro
The Vomit Spots
Vomit Thrower
Vomitorium
Voodoo Meat Bucket
Voodoo Tuna
Vowel Movement
Wafflebutt
Waffles Against AIDS [Vafler mot AIDS]
Walking With Edna
Was I Naked
Weird People in Giant Condoms
Weird Skull Control
The Well Hungarians
The Well I'm Sure I Left It There Yesterday Band
Well-Shaven Goat
Well Strung
Wendy and Her Menstrual Cycles
We Need Girlfriends
When People Were Shorter and Lived By the Water
Where's The Pope?
White Cotton Panties
White People Lie
White Trash Debutantes
Who Carries the Organ
Who's the Fat Guy?
Whorehouse of Representatives
Whorgasm
Who The Hell Are You?
Why Do You Keep Cutting Off My Hands?
William Shatner's Pants
Willie Nelson Mandela
The Wig Party
Wisconcentration Camp
Wise Monkey Orchestra
Wonderbred, the Refined White Flour Children
Woodpussy
The Wookie Basket
Wookie Chest Hair
Wookie Lust
Worse Than Celibate
Wounded Reagans
Wrecked ‘Em
Wreck Small Speakers on Expensive Stereos
The Wrench Twisting Streetlickers
Wynona Ryders
The Yams from Outer Space
The Yeastie Girls
Yoko Homo
Yoko Ono's Ass
Your Damn Neighbors
Your Mother's Lover
Your Naked Mother
You've Got Fetus on Your Breath
You Would If You Love Me
Zen for Primates
Zip Code Rapists
Zombies Under Stress
Zoogz Rift and His Amazing Shitheads
Zsa Zsa
Zulu Leprechauns
Fun For Dad [7/26/00: taken by a band in the UK]
Aunt Spiker
Maximum Pudding
More Than Muffins
Floor
Bird Loaf
Dingus [1/16/01: taken by a alternative/punk band from Oklahoma]
Cowboy Warehouse
Soilmaster
Teen Frenzy
Rasputin's Beard
Pumice
Soggy Boxers
Do You Smell Dad?
Sieve
Millenium Sparrow
Or Spidera,,
My So Called Wife
Induce Vomiting
You Can't Dance If You're Grapes
Draw A Goat
One Big Stack
Big F***in Jeep
Rasslin With Yer Dog
Tear Sh*t Up
Pusillanimous
O' Ghost Who Walks
Geriatric Angst
A** Kicking Dirt Merchants
Scooby's Doos
Sponge Bath
Huxter
Ages of Yellow - [4/3/01: used by a metal band out of Cincinatti, OH...soon to be on a major label!?)
Fusilage
Maroon Socks
Cat Butt - [Note: apparently this band is on Sub Pop and has existed much longer than our silly list. Sorry, Cat Butt.]
Not My Spoon [Summer 2000: taken by a punk band from Mississauga, Ontario, Canada]
Uncle Bobby's Wild Oats
Fountain Drink (Large)
Field Trip Permission Slip
Flargabag
Losers' Club
Neck (boo)
Da Rok Sox
Note Paper Jezaz
Wrasslin A Greased Hawg
16 oz. size
Unbreakable Comb
Johnny action finger
aw.
Echelon Blue [7/16/00: used by a power pop/punk band out of Cary, Illinois]
Dilated Orafice
The Flux Pavilion
Corder Roy
Vandenheed
Stickmen
K. Arthur
Gold Star
Day Rager
Nonfamily
Dipsmiths
Die Cast Messiah - Taken 5/00. See "Bands" page for more info.
Wholesale Piecemeal
Phalaphel
Whined + Dined
Fleck - Taken 6/7/00 by some band in the UK. More info soon.
Neon Eaters
The Mike Watt Korn Sponge, The
Diaper
Its Got to be Groovy
I've Got a Peanut
I've Got a Wedgie
Mary Marrow
I've Got a Bunny
Licking Kleenex
Shorn like Bjorn
Moron Envy - 1/16/01: taken by a New Jersey Punk Rock band
Hyena Hijinks
Apesh*t Holiday
donut Blond
Pumpernickle
Copernicus Loaf
I've Got Cheeks
Jaked Crackers
Pickelicious
Big Sandwich
Buckshot Plumage
Mongoloid Envelope
King Wack
Chinchilla Rest Stop - Taken 1/16/01 by a Grunge band from California.
Meteor..Sputnik
Uncle Puppy
Fungilli
The Poop Smoodjers
Multipurpose Toilet Paper
Crapacy
Potassium Urinal
Munky Poo
Cacapipi Shakers
Poop Yuppie
Liquid Toilet
Potty Humor
Mom on the Crapper
Bathroom Tourism
Histrionic Toilet Band
Bladder in a Can
Poop
Poophead
X. Lax & the Loose Load
Butt Squeegee
Tears and Vomit
No Dumping
Poop-Tarts
Nose Miners
Earwax
Poo Poo Faces
The Butt Nuggets of Joy
Chocolate and the Poop-Tarts w/Flavored Sprinkles
Potty Seat
Constipated Goats
Adult Diaper
Touch my Kidney
Poop Soup
Toilet Bowls
The Infinite Pooper Scoopers
Fred's Abominable Butt-Man
Porcelain God
Misthaufen
Outhouse Critic
The End of all Male Guilt
Greeting Card Ninjas
Beach Toy Lentils
Hello, Who Are You & the Globes
Toasty-Warm Ampersand
My Principal Makes Peanuts In Spain
Skivvies, Pastrami and Corn
Immense Wrapper Torture
This Day and Age = Rocket Ship
Mr. Ridiculous
The Many Voices of Hat
Let's All Be Flemish
Wheel-O
Swim Now... or Eat Limes
The BURPIES?
F'in Hamster Rebuttal
Flaming Pants
Wholesome Walter Bondo Jones
Rug Carpet Torch Muffin
Childbirth Shot-Put
Ultra-Reflective Viking Fish
Four Point Restraints and a Lobster Bib
Dude Stuff
Tim Wumple and the Wumplefudgekins
Glittery Sticker Fun
Why do you always chop off my hands?
First Stroon On the Moon
Der Sippe Gott
Ya Blokos!
Mongolian Goat Beard
Rott'n Pigmy Odor
You Gotty Squatty
Uncle Grunty's Unt-Unt Fizz
Ten is my un-favorite Number
Beefcake Development
Filthy Filthy Donna
Jumpin' Frogs
Aesop Was a Zebra
Fish Meets Bait
Yummy Hats
Spanish French and the Viennese Norwegians
Carlitos and the Electrical Spaniards
Hey that's my bike!
Reggae Death Squad
Epstein-Barr Band
Montage of Heck
Cholesterol Is My Lex Luthor
Jackass Junior High
The Hokey Pokey Lava Adventure
Scary Voodoo Death Squad